


Worlds Away

by HappinessisJuuzou (Moongirlx)



Series: Suzuya Juuzou x Female Reader [2]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: A Lot of Death, AU, Angst, F/M, Ghouls, Mentions of Rape, Tokyo Ghoul:Re - Freeform, Violence, ghoul juuzou, lots of triggers maybe?, name drop for shirazu ginshi, quinx squad - Freeform, the Q's, the quinx - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-07-18 21:28:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 25,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7331260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moongirlx/pseuds/HappinessisJuuzou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taken away... stripped of everything I had known. I'm back now, with nothing left of the former me besides shreds of my humanity...and memories of him.</p><p>**</p><p>I lost her...She saved me and I lost her. I couldn't save her. Turns out I couldn't even save myself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flashbacks

**Author's Note:**

> This is part two of my other Suzuya Juuzou x reader series. They can be read separately but I recommend reading 'Unimaginable' first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

I woke up in a cold sweat, gasping for breath. That dream again. I had it almost every single night. It was really more like a flashback. When I woke up I could almost feel his hands all over me, feel the cold chains binding my wrists, feel the breaking of my bones and of my soul as he tortured me day after day.

"Pssst....Y/N....are you okay?" The whisper came from the blue haired girl I shared a room with and now called my best friend, Saiko Yonebayashi.

"Yeah, Saiko, I'm okay. I just had the dream again."

I heard her snoring again and knew she was no longer listening, had gone right back to sleep after she checked up on me, almost like a reflex.

I tried desperately to go back to sleep for the remaining hour before my alarm was set to go off, but to no avail.

I spent most of every day thinking about him- no, not my captor, Ikeda Kunio. It's bad enough I spent nights dreaming of him. My days were spent thinking of Suzuya Juuzou. Wondering what happened to him after I was captured. Wondering whether he was dead or alive. I didn't blame him for not being able to find me after I was captured. Ikeda had taken me to Fukuoka, a city over twelve hours outside of Tokyo, with the intention of making it impossible to find me had anyone looked.

"Y/N!" Are you listening?"

_I spaced out again, shit._

"Uh, sorry Sasaki-san. What were you saying?" You looked up at your boss, who was scrambling up eggs for breakfast.

"I was saying that we have a meeting today at 9a.m. Please don't space out like that in the meeting." He softened his words with a smile.

"O-oh. I won't, I promise." I knew I could promise no such thing, but I could try.

"Can you go tell the others that breakfast is ready?"

_Getting Saiko out of bed is going to be a challenge...Shirazu was always the best at waking her up._

I felt the hole in my chest threaten to reopen at the thought of my deceased friend. I hadn't been a part of the Quinx squad long when Shirazu died but it still affected me.

"Saiko, Urie, Mutsuki! Breakfast!" I called out as I walked up the stairs. Mutsuki emerged almost instantly from his room.

"Good morning Y/N," he said, his quiet voice cheerful.

Urie was next to come out of his room, grunting at me, which I assumed was his way of saying good morning.

I smiled at the two boys and then pushed open the door to the room I shared with Saiko.

"Saiko!!!" I hollered, jumping on to her bed. Her blue eyes opened blearily, and she tried to roll over onto her other side and go back to sleep. I grabbed her shoulders and sat her up.

"Time to get up! There's a meeting at 9!" Sasaki's going to be mad if you don't get up." This wasn't true, Sasaki almost never got mad at us, but Saiko's eyes were wide open now and she was crawling out of bed.

_Mission accomplished._

******

"Okay Q's, we have a new group of ghouls we're going after. They appeared in Kyoto and seem to have settled there, and the CCG forces over there aren't strong enough to take them on."

Sasaki shuffled his paperwork. "They call themselves 'Akui'. We don't know how many of them there are altogether, but so far they've been focused on killing off-duty CCG investigators and policemen. Attacking when they least expect it. This group definitely has a vendetta against any type of law enforcement. Why, we don't know."

"So we're going to go all the way to Kyoto for this?" Urie asked, his tone irritated.

"Yes, they asked us specifically since Tokyo has the largest and strongest CCG task force in Japan."

_That's going to be a long car ride..._

"This group wears pure black masks, and wear black robes with no markings of any kind on them. They're very dangerous, especially to us since we're investigators. We must always keep our guards up over there even when we're off duty, though things will be a little easier for us because we always have our kagune, were never technically off duty." Sasaki smiled a little at us as he said this.

I looked around at the others. Urie looked irritated, Mutsuki looked nervous, and Saiko's eyes were half closed. Just a normal day with the squad. I chuckled to myself.

"So when are we leaving, Sasaki-san?"

"That's the thing... If possible, the Kyoto CCG would like us to be there tomorrow. The death count just keeps going up- it's at 200 so far."

I heard Mutsuki gasp. The old me would've had the same reaction. I knew that was a lot of people dead, but nothing really shocked me anymore after my time with Ikeda. I now knew just how vicious and sadistic ghouls could be.

"So start packing tonight, Q's. It's about a five hour drive, we'll be leaving at 10 a.m. tomorrow.


	2. Opposites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Q's head to Kyoto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

The trip to Kyoto was excruciatingly long. Sasaki spent the whole ride re-reading the notes he had on Akui, tapping his pen against the pile of papers. Mutsuki nervously jiggled his leg while looking out the window. Urie and Saiko were in their own worlds, Urie with his headphones in and Saiko snoring. I was bored out of my mind and restless. I wasn't friendly with anyone in the van except for the Q's. I had a hard time getting close to anyone since Ikeda got his hands on me. With the Q's it was different, I was kind of forced to get close to them since I moved in with them after the operation.

I had always hated long car rides, but now they reminded me of the bus ride from Fukuoka to Tokyo, an unbearable 12 hours filled with fear that I'd be caught by Ikeda again, that I hadn't actually managed to kill him. Each stop the bus made brought a new wave of anxiety that he'd be waiting for me at that bus station.

To keep myself sane, my thoughts turned to Juuzou, but I was unaleI thought of the last time I saw him. The knife he held to his own throat, the way he sobbed in my arms, wanting his life to be over. When I walked home that night, after finally being sure that Juuzou would be safe, that's when Ikeda caught me.

I couldn't be sure that Juuzou was even still alive. So many things could've happened to him. He probably thought I left him. It was inopportune time to be kidnapped- when Juuzou needed me the most.

"Y/N-chan." A hand shook my shoulder, a deep voice attached to it.

"Ow! Shit, calm down Y/N."

My eyes snapped open, fixating on the purple haired boy in front of me, who was holding a hand to a now-red jaw.

"Did I hit you Urie? I'm so sorry."

"I told you you should've let me wake her up, Urie." Saiko piped up, a know-it-all grin on her face.

Urie just growled and went back to his seat, slumping into it.

"Alright everyone, we're here!" Sasaki called from the front of the travel van.  
I could see he was nervous to be leading this big operation, not only leading his own squad but other members of the CCG as well.

We all filed out of the van, briefcases and suitcases in tow. Sasaki led the way to the hotel we'd be staying at. 

**

"Rumors are going around of the CCG from Tokyo coming out here," Hira said, leaning back against the wall and running his hands through his greasy brown hair.

I shrugged, sitting cross-legged on the dusty ground.

We'd been squatting in this abandoned warehouse for weeks now. It was surprising no one had caught us yet. It was dirty and disgusting here, but none of us had anywhere else to go. That's the solitary factor that kept us banded together. A bunch of half ghouls, some born, some created, all outcasts.

"Supposedly they're after us."

I shrugged again. It really didn't matter what became of any of us. We had no families to miss us. So what's the difference between life and death for us?

"Whether or not the CCG kills us, it doesn't really matter," I said, playing with the dingy red thread laced through the skin of my hand.

Hira stood up, extending a hand to me. I refused it, standing up on my own.

"I'm gonna go try to find something to eat, you coming?"

I shrugged and nodded, trailing after the taller man.

I paused. "Shouldn't we wait for Yuki and Satchiko?"

"Suit yourself, Juuzou. I don't know when they'll be back."

"Oh, that's okay then." I continued following Hira out into the darkness, into yet another night of stealing someone's life to fuel my own.


	3. Stake Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

"As far as we know, this is where Akui is currently staying. They seem to switch location somewhat frequently, so let's hope we're right," Sasaki whispered. We were staked out behind an abandoned building in a cramped pick-up truck.

I looked at the green haired boy squished into the seat to the right of me, tapping his foot anxiously.

"Are you okay, Mutsuki?"

"Yeah. I just... don't like stake outs. I always worry that they're one step ahead of us and will sneak up behind us and kill us."

I patted his arm in an attempt to be comforting. "It's okay. Sasaki will protect us to the best of his ability, but we're all also capable of protecting ourselves. Us Q's are strong."

Mutsuki smiled a little, but I knew it was forced.

I always felt a sense of camaraderie with Mutsuki. He reminded me a little of myself before I changed. I used to always be scared. Now, I barely remember what fear felt like. What is there to be scared of now? I'd already lost everyone that mattered to me, and had unimaginable things inflicted upon me.

Mutsuki and I also share the same type of kagune- bikaku. Before I came along, the Q squad had one member of each kagune type (excluding Sasaki). I guess I upset the balance a little, but they were never anything but welcoming...well, everyone except Urie, but I've come to expect nothing less from him.

******

"Hira, they're staked out back there. They're watching."

"What? How do you know?" Hira muttered, ripping off another piece of flesh from the body he'd brought back earlier.

"Because...I just know." My mind flashed back to the many stake outs I'd been a part of as a CCG investigator. I shook my head to toss the memory back to the depths of my mind. There was no use in thinking of my past.

Hira held a piece of meat up, offering it to me. "If the CCG really is out there, you'll need your strength. You haven't eaten in a few weeks."

I sighed and took the flesh from him.

With as many people as I killed in a week, I didn't eat. Hira was right. I needed my strength.

As I ate, I thought again about my old life. About the times when I basically lived off of donuts and sickly sweet iced coffee. I missed it. I missed all of it. How did I end up here. Alone.

Satchiko and Yuki entered the building at that moment, laughing loudly and holding hands.

I watched them. Satchiko brushed Yuki's lavender hair out of her face and kissed her cheek sweetly. Yuki smiled up at her raven haired girlfriend.

"Satchiko! Yuki! Shut up!" Hira hissed suddenly.

The girls came out of their own world at Hira's words. "What's going on?" Yuki asked, her voice still too loud.

"Juuzou...you were right. They're getting out of the car."

He walked to the corner of the room, where our robes and masks lay in a crumpled pile. "Let's go." He was already putting on his mask.

I followed suit, and so did Yuki and Satchiko.

We blended into the dark of the decrepit building.

We watched as eight people piled out of the van, briefcases clutched in their hands.

We could no longer see the group from the window. They were going to the front of the building. I heard the door creak open, footsteps echoing.

At the front was a man with black and white hair. Hira went after him straight away. The man pulled out his quinque, it resembled a long sharp rod. He was fast. He slashed Hira across the stomach. 

_Hira has never been a very good fighter..._

His kagune snaked out from his back, wrapping around his arm in a red spiral, the tip lethally sharp.

_They must have expected us to be a bigger group...there are eight of them and four of us..._

A purple haired man darted out from behind the group and ran in to join in his colleagues fight against Hira. His quinque was very similar to the other mans. Hira ran at him, waving his kagune around like crazy. It hit the second investigators quinque, shattering it.

_Lucky hit, Hira..._

The investigator threw it to the ground, his face full of rage, and I couldn't believe my eyes as a kagune sprouted from his back, lashing at Hira full force. He was hit again in the stomach, and this time he fell to the ground.

_An investigator with a kagune...?_

"Hira!" Satchiko screamed, running to him, blue tails slithering out from her tailbone region as she dropped to the ground next to him. Her kagune sent both of the investigators flying across the room.

A petite man with an eye-patch ran somewhat timidly towards Satchiko, but Yuki jumped into his path. "Leave them alone!" She screamed, black and lavender wings shooting out of her shoulders and forming points, aiming straight at the eye-patched man, who was now pulling two large knives off his belt. He ran at her, landing one good stab on her arm before he dropped both knives clumsily.

Yuki clutched her arm as blood poured out. I knew it was time for me to jump in, the others were going down quickly. They always called me their secret weapon, and I never got to have any fun until they were weakened.

_Where are the other two investigators... they didn't come in with this bunch. Are they hiding somewhere, waiting to ambush us?_

The two investigators that Satchiko had thrown against the wall were now getting up. Both of them had their kagune out.

The green haired man was still fighting Yuki, but I could see Yuki was wearing down quickly.

I brought my kagune out, the large fiery wings fluttered behind me, emitting light.

 

******

 

Saiko and I stood outside the door to the building, listening to the fighting. Saiko had one large blue eye pressed to a crack in the door.

"When can we go in Saiko? I'm tired of standing out here and not helping."

"We might not be needed..these ghouls don't seem that tough. Urie already gravely injured one of them- from the looks of things he might not make it.... Mutsuki is fighting against a weak-looking Ukaku... Urie and Sasaki aren't doing much now. We probably didn't need this many people to fight this group....It's weird...one of their members is just standing on the sidelines. Kind of like we are. But they're so tiny...I can't imagine them being a secret weapon like us... Oh shit! They just took out their kagune. They're huge!!"

A scream echoed inside the building.

"Hira!" It was a female voice.

"Urie finished off the dying one." Saiko commented.

"I'm going in Saiko. Stay here until I call for you."

"But Y/N-chan-"

I cut her off by pushing open the door and storming in, pulling my quinque knives from my belt as I did so.

Saiko was right. The small ghouls Ukaku kagune was huge, fluttering like the wings of an enormous butterfly. I saw it's masked face turn towards me.

A sudden movement drew my attention away from the small ghoul and towards Sasaki, who was sneaking up on the Bikaku who seemed to now be going on a rampage over her dead friend. She had her hands wrapped around Urie's throat while her kagune kept his away from her body. 

"Satchiko, behind you!" The winged ghoul called out, darting over to where Sasaki was approaching the crazed ghoul. Something tugged at my memory.

_That voice...I know that voice..._

 


	4. Grief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

I stopped in my tracks, unable to believe what I'd just heard. That voice was unmistakable, the musical lilt to it unique to one person. _Juuzou._

_It can't be...there's no way Juuzou would join up with a group like Akui._

I felt unable to move as I watched the ghoul dart around Sasaki, rendering him unable to protect Urie, and dealing him many cuts. Sasaki was bleeding a lot. I knew I had to do something, I couldn't sit here and watch Urie and Sasaki both be damaged, but I couldn't will my feet to move.

Suddenly Saiko was behind me, a hand on my shoulder. 

"I'll take the one hurting Urie, you take the one hurting Sasaki."

I watched as Saiko ran towards the ghoul, a massive caterpillar like structure erupting from her lower back. I knew she would weaken quickly from using her kagune.

She swept the female ghoul off her feet and away from Urie, taking her by surprise. She threw her against the wall, where she stayed, blood slowly pooling around her.

The ghoul who had injured Sasaki let out a shrill scream and her kagune faded out. She ran towards where the other ghoul lay against the wall and threw herself to the ground, sobbing.

For some reason, my eyes filled with tears as I watched her pick up the other ghoul and flee from the building.

It was now just us, and the ghoul...with Juuzou's voice.

Saiko had already withdrawn her kagune, and was holding her hands over a rather nasty cut on Mutsuki's shoulder.

Sasaki and Urie had collapsed against the wall, weakened by blood loss and lack of oxygen.

_Please don't pass out Mutsuki...that's an awful lot of blood..._

I finally convinced my feet to move. I turned around and saw the ghoul slowly walking towards me.

"So this is why you left me, hmmm Y/N-chan? To join the CCG?" His voice raised angrily and his kagune flared, hardening, becoming more red and purple. Shards flew out of them, raining down towards me. I tried to run to dodge them but some of them lodged in my flesh, others merely passed by my skin, slicing me open.

_Juuzou would never hurt me like this..._

"All this time I was worrying something had happened to you. But really, you hated what I'd become so much that you went and joined those who would destroy me!"

More shards rained down. I fell to the floor, dropping my knives and clutching my knees to my chest, blocking out the pain of my skin being sliced open again and again. I was crying, but it wasn't from the physical pain.

_Juuzou...why..._

I heard the grating sound of my knives skittering across the floor. They had been kicked away from me.

There was a presence in front of me.

I opened my eyes to see Juuzou's face right in front of mine. 

His cheeks were hollowed out, as if he hadn't eaten in weeks. He had been thin before, but now he resembled a skeleton. I tried to push him away from me, but his hand gripped my wrist, his fingers digging into my flesh, the nails tearing it. I searched his eyes for any remnant of the Juuzou I had known, but they were empty. The red pupils bore into my face.

_There's nothing there...nothing._

"She betrayed me Rei-chan. She left me when she said she never would. What should we do to her?"

He laughed out loud, squeezing my wrist so hard I heard a crack.

"Oops." He laughed. He was smiling, but it was just as vacant as his eyes. I began to sob openly, ripping my wrist out of his grasp. It was already broken, what more could he do to it.

_I'll do what I would do to any other ghoul, in this situation, then._

I heard the ripping of my shirt as my purple bikaku tore through my flesh painlessly.

Juuzou began to laugh maniacally.

"You're a monster just like me!!"

The next thing I knew, my kagune were pressing him into the floor. Surprise registered on his face for just a second before he giggled, laughing at nothing.

I backed off of him and he sprang up.

"Y/N! We're retreating. Too many injuries!" I looked to see Urie carrying an unconscious Mutsuki in his arms, Sasaki and Saiko trailing behind, Sasaki limping.

I didn't turn my back on Juuzou as I walked out. Much to my surprise he simply watched me walk away, staring in my direction, eyes unfocused.

 

******

"What happened back there, Y/N-chan? You are beyond strong enough to have taken down that ghoul!" It was a rare occurrence when Sasaki raised his voice, and it startled me to hear it. I willed myself not to cry.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I just froze. It's never happened to me before."

The squad was hanging out in Mutsuki's hotel room, having just finished at the emergency room. Mutsuki ended up needing a blood transfusion, as anemic as he is.

The rest of the squad was fine. Sasaki's many injuries had already healed. The cuts all over my body were already closing, but I knew they were going to scar.

_Great...I don't need a physical reminder of what Juuzou has become...It's ingrained in my memory. Those empty eyes...that mirthless laugh..._

I knew Sasaki was angry with me, and rightfully so. I had endangered the squad, myself included. 

That night, when Saiko and I were alone in the hotel room we shared, being the only two females in the squad, she yawned and asked, "So, who was that ghoul to you?"

"W-what?" I was caught off guard.

"I saw the whole thing, and heard it too. So how do you know that ghoul? He seemed pretty crazy."

"He's not-... I-... At one point, he was the love of my life. He still is. But I have a feeling that the body belonging to the man I love, no longer houses the mind of the man I love. I've waited three years to see him again, and I thought I never would..I thought he was dead..and now..." I choked back a sob.

"He might still be in there...you shouldn't give up on the one you love..." Saiko mumbled.

"I think in this case, giving up is my only option. Goodnight Saiko."

"Nanight, Y/N-chan."

I rolled over, facing the wall, silent tears streaming down my face, grief eating me from the inside out.


	5. Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

I sat alone in the blood-coated, abandoned building for much too long that night. I waited for Satchiko and Yuki to come back. I wasn't sure if they would or not, but I had hope.

I was just about to give up hope when I heard a noise at the door. I lifted my head from where it rested on my knees and looked up.

But standing in front of me was not Satchiko, nor Yuki, but Y/N.

She was covered in blood from head to toe. I couldn't even tell what her injuries were. 

I reached out a hand to her. "Y/N...."

Before I could touch her, she crumpled, dissolving. There was nothing left of her. Nothing for me to hold.

I woke up, breath uneven. I had curled up in a ball underneath the window, one of the few areas clean from blood. I looked around me, but there was no one. My friends were gone. I was utterly alone.

_Being alone hadn't bothered me in a while. I had tried my hardest to erase any sliver of humanity left in my body. I tried reverting back to how I used to be, when I was a scrapper. Back then, I killed because I was told to, and because I needed to make Mama proud. That was what I lived for. When I was an investigator, I lived to kill the ghouls that made the city filth. I did what I was told, more or less. And when I met her, I lived to protect her. For once in my life I wasn't doing what someone else wanted me to do, I was doing it solely for me._

_Now, I have nothing to live for. Sometimes, I don't even know why I'm still alive. I kill to try and make myself feel something, to bring back the rush it gave me when I was an investigator killing ghouls. But now...I am a ghoul. And killing humans doesn't give me a rush. If anything, each life I take for no reason, not even to sustain my own, makes me feel emptier. There's a hole inside of me, and it opens up more each day. One day, it will consume me. But until then, I kill. I kill and I kill, searching for some sort of meaning, something to break the never-ending cycle of numbness. I used to be fine with not feeling anything...but she changed something inside of me, and now, this lack of feeling, it's agonizing._

"Juuzou?" A female voice whispered. I looked towards the door and saw a lavender head peeking in. 

"Yuki! Is Satchiko with you too?" At my question, the raven haired ghoul popped up behind Yuki.

"You guys are okay."

"More or less. Too bad we can't say the same for Hira."

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. _I don't understand why they're so upset. Hira is gone now, but he's set free from the agony of the live we're living._

"We're not staying here Juuzou. We're finding a new place to stay. We came back to see if you'd come with us."

I shook my head slowly. _I can't leave...what if she comes back for me..._

"I don't know if I can do that."

The girls stepped into the building. "She's not coming back for you Juuzou," Satchiko said flatly.

My eyes went wide. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"That investigator. We saw the whole thing between you two. She's not going to come back for you. Humans and ghouls can't be together."

"She's not a human!" I burst out, balling my hands into fists. Yuki and Satchiko were just as shocked at my outburst as I was. 

"Sure, she has kagune. But she's not a ghoul. And she works for the _CCG._ She doesn't want you. Come with us."

I shook my head quickly. "No. No, I'm not leaving here."

Yuki looked down. I think I saw a tear fall from her eye. But Satchiko just shrugged. "Fine. Maybe you'll find us someday if you're ready. But we won't be easy to find." She took Yuki's hand and they left, leaving the door wide open, letting in a cold breeze.

I shivered. 

******

"Please, I have a family. Please, let me go," the man lying on the ground under my foot whimpered. Another off-duty policeman.

"You think I care?" I sneered. But even as I said those words, my own body betrayed me. My kagune faded out, and I was left staring down at the man, unable to hurt him any further. I took my foot off his chest and he got up clumsily. He tried to walk away but I grabbed him by the front of his shirt, standing on my tip-toes to do so.

"If you tell anyone about this, Mr. Policeman, I _will_ kill you." I pushed him away from me and he stumbled before running away.

******

 

"Saiko. You're right." This was the first thing I said when I woke up in the morning by Saiko's small hand shaking my shoulder.

"W-what?"

"You're right. I can't give up. The man I loved still has to be in there somewhere, right? I'm going to go find him."

Saiko's eyes were wide. "Uh...is that the best idea?"

"You're the one who told me to do it!"

"Well, that wasn't exactly what I meant, but okay..."  
  


******

I stood outside the building, staring up at it. An unfamiliar feeling began to creep into the corners of my mind, causing my breathing to speed up and my hands to shake. _Is this fear I'm feeling..._

I hadn't brought my knives with me. I figured if there was any trouble I'd just use my kagune. _That's what they're for right..._

I pulled at the hem of my shirt nervously.

I stepped up to the building and pushed open the door. It emitted a long creak. If anyone was in there, they were definitely aware of my presence now.

The front room was empty, still blood spattered from yesterdays battle. I walked carefully into the next room, my body on edge, ready to bring out my kagune at the first sign of danger.

There, in the farthest corner of the room, was Juuzou, curled up into a tiny ball hugging his knees to his chest.

I had the chance to look at him- really look at him.

His black hair was longer than I remember it, but not by much. It felt softly to his shoulders, uneven and mildly tangled. I could see white roots peeking out.

He seemed even smaller than before, especially folded in on himself like he was now.

"Juuzou," I said quietly.

He lifted his head and I was surprised to see he was crying. From the look of his face, he'd been crying for a while. His pale skin was tear-streaked and his eyes were glassy.

Seeing him like this, I was no longer afraid. I sat down in front of him, leaving about two feet of space between us.

I was rendered speechless. It seemed he was too. He wiped the tears from his face and stared at me. I knew I had to try and explain myself while he was listening.

"Juuzou, I didn't leave you to go to the CCG. I would never have done that. I... I was kidnapped by...I don't know how much you remember...I was kidnapped by Ikeda Kunio. He kept in a city very far away so no one would be able to find me. He tortured me everyday...he raped me...he broke me. When I broke free I came back to Tokyo. I didn't have a job, I needed money. And I wanted to get revenge on ghouls like Ikeda. The CCG was offering a pretty large cash settlement for those who participated in the Quinx program. It seemed perfect. I'd have a job, and I'd be strong enough to kill ghouls. I was a little late to the party...they already had a squad of four. But because I tested so well, they accepted me. I'm not a ghoul, but I'm not human anymore either."


	6. Flesh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

Two months had passed since that evening I went to find Juuzou, alone.

I had hoped that my explanation for why I'd left- not of my own will- would have had an effect on him, would have changed something, but it didn't.

When I'd finished talking he'd just stared at me with those empty eyes, and then said "Please leave, Y/N, I don't want to hurt you, but I will if I have to."

I'd blankly stared at him, at which he yelled "Go!" His left eye flashed red and back and I knew that I was now in danger.

I hastily got up and left the cobwebbed building, running all the way back to the hotel the squad was staying at. On my way back, the gray clouds that filled the sky finally gave way and broke; it began to pour. I was thankful that no one could see my tears in the rain.

I stormed into our room, Saiko immediately looking up from the video game she was playing.

"Oh no...what happened Y/N-chan?"

I was unable to speak, could only sob as Saiko rubbed my back. She never asked me for an explanation; Saiko was amazing that way, she had a way of sensing when I didn't want to talk, and she never pushed.

After my screw-up during the battle with Akui, I tried my hardest to be the best investigator I could be. I trained hard, trying to perfect the use of my kagune, and learned how to better handle my knives. I never let the squad down during a fight again.

But now... there's another raid coming up. And my nerves are on edge.

_What if I mess up again? What if someone gets hurt, or killed because of me?_

****Juuzou's point of view****

_I'm...So...hungry..._

I was on the floor of yet another filthy building, arms folded across my stomach, nails digging into my flesh. Blood dripped slowly from the gouges.

I'd forgotten how long it'd been since I'd eaten. Weeks had slowly faded into months. The chaos inside my mind rendered me unable to put human meat into my mouth. Each time I tried my throat closed and I had to spit it out, unable to swallow. Another life wasted.

I'd come back to Tokyo, in hopes of seeing Y/N from afar, even if I couldn't be close to her.

I was alone. I didn't bother trying to join up with any groups of ghouls. I was too weak to be an asset to them in fights, so why would they want me? I was now used to the bitter pain of having no one to turn to. The only one I can depend on is myself...but I've even let myself down.

I couldn't even fulfill my basic instinct to survive. Pretty soon, I'll die. A ghoul can't go so long without food.

I knew what I had to do before I died. I had to see him one last time.

******

"Saiko! Guess what?" The two of us were lounging around on the couch on the apartment the squad shared.

Saiko popped a candy into her mouth. "Ummm what?" She said around it.

"An old friend I used to work with, well, we got into contact again recently, and she just had her baby yesterday!"

"Aww! That's so cute. Are you going to go visit her?"

I hesitated. "I don't know if I should. What if she can tell...that I'm not human anymore."  
  


"Then tell her the truth. You're not a ghoul, Y/N-chan. You are the way you are to protect humans from ghouls. It's your job. She should understand that."

_Saiko's right...Yoriko always was a very understanding person. I do miss her...I haven't seen her in over three years. It's a miracle we even got back into contact._

"You're right Saiko. I'm going to go see her."

****Juuzou's point of view****

"I'm...I'm here to see Shinohara Yukinori." I struggled to keep my thoughts on track, struggled to ignore the fragrant scent of the nurse checking me in. Fought to keep my kakugan hidden as I salivated slightly, my eyes on the tender skin in the crook of her neck.

"Okay, he's in room 55... Sir?"

I snapped back to attention. "Thank you..."

I traipsed through the halls of this very familiar hospital. I use to come here all the time to visit Shinohara, and I'd been a patient here quite a few times as well.

This was the hospital where my life was changed. Where I became a monster.

A sudden wave of dizziness threatened to knock me over, and I clutched the wall, breathing through the gnawing in my stomach. The pain of hunger.. that was one type of pain I could actually feel.

Tears threatened to spill from my tired eyes as I entered the room and pulled up a chair.

"Shinohara-san..." He looked the same as he had three years ago, just thinner. His chest went up and down slowly, breathing along with the ventilator.

I put my hand over his.

"Shinohara-san...I've missed you. I'm sorry I haven't been here in such a long time. I'm so sorry. I've failed. I failed you, and I failed her. And now...I've failed myself. I lost my way. I'm so, so lost. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I know giving up isn't like me, I've always been the type to keep on fighting until I couldn't anymore, and I know you wouldn't want me to give up, but... maybe if you knew who I'd become you maybe you'd feel differently. I've become the kind of monster that we used to kill daily. I've killed people... so many people... people that had families, people that were innocent. I've killed not only for food, but just to make myself feel something. And the worst part is...it didn't even work. I'm still numb. All I feel now is hunger. I found Y/N again, and then I drove her away. I'll never see her again and it's all my fault. Because of what I've become. If you could see me now, Shinohara-san...you wouldn't be proud of me anymore. You would be ashamed. This will probably be the last time you see me. I don't...I don't think I'll be able to come back again. I'm sorry Shinohara-san. I'm sorry for everything I've done and everything I wasn't able to do. Goodnight, my salvation."

I leaned down and kissed his pale forehead, wiping away the tears that fell down my cheeks. The constant gnawing in my stomach had seemed to subside for the shortest while, but now it was back. I tasted blood in the back of my throat. My eyes threatened to close, suddenly I was so, so tired.

_No, not here. I've got to get out of here. If I die here... they'll know what a monster I was._

******

"Oooh Yoriko! He is so cute!" I gazed at the tiny baby, laying on her chest. "I'm so happy to see you!"

Seeing Yoriko made me think of the simpler times in my life, before I even knew a person named Ikeda existed. Before I knew my mother was a vicious killer. And before I met Juuzou. She brought back memories of working at the sandwich shop, of confiding in each other how much we disliked the other workers, of creating weird new sandwiches and making each other try them.

And now, she had this tiny baby, she had a husband, and I knew she was going to be a wonderful mother.

_She has everything...and I have nothing._

I pushed away that thought. Now was not the time to feel sorry for myself. "So Yoriko-chan, what are you going to name him?"

"We haven't decided yet! We let the gender be a surprise, and I really thought it was going to be a girl, so all I had in my head were girl names!"

I chuckled "It's okay, you'll think up the perfect one."

I checked my watch. I was supposed to be meeting the Q's for a meeting at 5p.m. "Yoriko, it feels like I just got here, I know, but I have a work meeting in thirty minutes, so I have to run. I promise to come visit again!"

I hugged her gently. "Bye!" I waved as I walked out the door.

******

I walked out of the automatic doors of the hospital, ready to head to the CCG for our meeting.

A small, pained whimper caught my attention and I looked to my left and then to my right, trying to find the source, expecting to see an injured cat, or maybe a dog.

Instead, sitting on the stone bench amongst the decorative shrubbery was a small figure, all dressed in black, hair hanging limply to his shoulders. I walked closer.

"Juuzou..." I said out loud, hardly able to believe my eyes. He didn't respond.

I sat on the bench next to him. He opened his eyes slightly, but seemed to struggle with the effort of keeping them open.

"Y/N-chan... Hello..." He smiled slightly, lidded eyes unfocused like those of a person with a very high fever.

_Something is very wrong here..._

I placed a hand gently on his arm, scared to get too close. His skin was freezing. Something dawned on me. "Juuzou, how long has it been since you've eaten?"

"I'm...I'm not exactly sure..."

_He's very weak...he could die..._

_I can't let him die..._

"Juuzou, get up, here, lean on my shoulder." He smiled faintly at me, but made no attempt to move.

_Oh, screw it._

I put one arm around his shoulders and one under his legs and scooped him up easily. He didn't struggle, didn't even speak, just smiled deliriously.

_I'm not sure he even knows what's happening._

I carried him easily. I knew I'd gotten stronger recently, but even so, it was obvious how little he weighed.

I ducked into the nearest alley and set him on the ground against the wall, sitting in front of him. I saw his eyes starting to close again.

"Juuzou, stay with me. Please, eat from me. It doesn't bother me. Please."

He didn't make any move towards me, so I grasped at the knives on my belt. I unsheathed one of them and quickly sliced across my inner forearm, feeling the bite of the blade, watching the blood pour out.

I slid closer to him and put my forearm up to his lips. Once he smelled the blood, his kakugan flared and he licked some of the blood away, only for more to pour out. I clenched my hands into fists as he sunk his teeth into my flesh, once, twice, three times.

"Juuzou you have to stop now. Juuzou. Juuzou!" I pushed him off of me and held him against the wall, my knife to his throat.

His kakugan faded. He met my eyes, a giggle escaping his lips."Your eye..."

I clapped a hand over my right eye, still holding the knife to his neck. I hadn't realized my kakugan had activated until he'd said something.

_Probably because I felt that I was in danger..._

"If I let you go, are you going to try to kill me?"

He shook his head.

I cautiously removed my knife from his throat and sat back on my heels, watching him.

"You're still bleeding." He pointed out.

"It's fine, it will heal."

"It's deep. It has to stop bleeding first, in order to heal." he said matter-of-factly, shrugging off the black cardigan he wore and ripping a sleeve from it.

I watched as he wrapped it tightly around my forearm, then tied it.

"Thanks," I said quietly.

We sat in an awkward silence.

"Well, uh... take care of yourself Juuzou. Please eat. If you...you need food, and you can't get it yourself...Here."

I took a pen out of the tiny purse I wore across my body and wrote my phone number down clearly on the dirt-smudged skin of his forearm.

"Call me if you need help."

I sheathed my knife and put it back on my belt, then turned to walk away.

"Y/N-chan."

I stopped.

"Thank you... you saved me. You...You didn't have to do that. You could've let me die...Thank you."

I shrugged, and walked away from him, not looking back. A tiny bud of hope unfurled slightly inside my chest, threatening to bloom into a full flower. I squashed it down.

_This doesn't mean anything. I helped him because of who I am as a person. It doesn't mean anything. He could still die. I could die. We could never see each other again. Nothing has changed._


	7. Bait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I don't confuse anyone with all the flashbacks.
> 
> Bold= flashback.
> 
> Bold italic= Thoughts within a flashback.
> 
> Italic= Thoughts, as usual.
> 
> I hope that makes sense.
> 
> Also trigger warning for mentions of rape.
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

  
  
I rushed into the meeting room fifteen minutes late.

"Sorry Sasaki-san, I'm so sorry I'm late." I said breathlessly and sat down in the empty chair next to Urie, holding my wounded forearm close to my body in hopes that no one would notice it.

"Y/N-chan, what happened to your arm?" Sasaki asked the second he laid his eyes on me.

"Uh, it was nothing. I fell, and I was um, bleeding a lot, so a kind bystander gave me their shirt to wrap around it." I chuckled nervously, knowing I sounded completely ridiculous.

"Uh...alright."

"So what did I miss?" I asked as Urie passed me a copy of the notes.

_So this is our next assignment.... what? It's only one ghoul?_

"Our whole squad is assigned to one ghoul?"

"Well, yes. And all the other ghouls that end up coming along with her. She'll probably have backup."

I read the notes silently to myself.

_This ghoul has earned herself the name Lashes, she's known for her thin and very sharp rinkaku kagune that resemble whips and cut like whips too._

_Because of how much damage her kagune have the potential to do, she is SS rated._

_She is known to wear a flesh colored mask that is contoured to her face and has on it the features of another face._

_She preys on mostly young, attractive women. She tortures them for quite some time before eventually eating them._

_She's caused eight deaths in just the past week._

_We figure she must be storing the bodies somehow after killing them, because no normal ghoul needs to eat eight times a week._

_CCG has so far been unable to figure out her location._

"So...when are we going after uh...Lashes?"

"Two days from now, it looks like. We're going to be using bait in the form of a CCG investigator. Errr, one of the Qs actually."

I looked at Saiko, and she looked away from me.

"Me?!"

"Well, if you're up for it. We're very confident in your abilities to hold her off until we get there. If everything goes according to plan, you shouldn't need to be alone with her more than 20 minutes." Sasaki smiled at me nervously.

"Okay. I'll do it."

_What do I have to lose anyway..._

******

"H-hello?" I mumbled into my phone.

_Who in the hell is calling me at 1 a.m. in the morning..._

"Hi Y/N-chan...it's me- uh, it's Juuzou." And with that I was instantly awake.

"Juuzou, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, Y/N-chan, I'm fine, I wanted to check on you, and see how that arms feeling."

"Oh, um, it's fine... Are you sure you're okay? I mean I told you to call me if you needed help."

"Well, I also wanted to say hi..." he said sheepishly.

"At 1a.m. in the morning?"

"Oh! Is it that late? I kind of lost track of time, well, I don't really know what time it is like ever anymore. Anyway I'm calling you from a payphone so I better go."

"Oh, uh, okay, bye Juuzou."

I hung up the phone slowly and held it to my chest.

_Just calling to say hi..._

******

"Aww, Y/N-chan, you look so cute~" Saiko squealed, clasping her hands as she admired my outfit.

"I hate this." I stated flatly. I was wearing a soft pink dress and white sandals with a heel. My hair was curled and I had on way too much makeup on for my liking.

"You really think this is going to attract Lashes?" I groaned, looking at Sasaki, who was standing in the doorway watching and offering commentary as Saiko gave me a makeover.

"It should. You'll be stationed in Yoyogi Park, it's close to where she's picked up some of her most recent victims."

"You know the plan, right?" Sasaki asked, tapping his fingers against the door frame.

"Yep, by heart."

******

"Tadashi, you're really going to stand me up again? This is the second time this week. Fine. Goodbye." I whined into my phone before pretending to hang it up and sliding it into my purse.

I sat down on the park bench and put my head in my hands, uttering some forced sobs. I began to shiver. The wind blew my curled hair into my face and threatened to lift my dress.

I put my purse in my lap to hold the fabric of my dress down.

"Are you okay?" A female voice said in my ear.

"A pretty girl like you shouldn't be so sad..."

I looked up into the face of a woman standing over me. In the dark, her face almost looked normal, but I noticed the way her lips didn't move when she spoke.

_This must be Lashes...what could she be hiding behind that mask...I've never seen a ghoul with a mask attempting to look like a human's face..._

She sat down on the bench next to me.

"Why are you crying, sweetheart?" She whispered, her voice oozing faux concern.

"Well, I-"

A hand came from behind me and pressed a rag roughly to my mouth. I tried to scream, grabbing the arms around me, digging my nails into them, but when I inhaled everything began to go dark.

******

_Where am I...my head hurts...Shit, the operation. Did I screw it up?_

I lifted my head and looked at my surroundings. I realized I was in the back of a car. My hands were tied behind my back.

"Oh, you're awake, sweetheart. That's good. We're almost there."

The voice came from the passengers seat. I was unable to make out any identifying features of the person driving the vehicle.

_I really hope Sasaki and the squad are following this car..._

The weakness in my limbs worried me. I hoped I'd be able to fight off these ghouls even with the aftereffects of the chloroform still plaguing me.

The car slowly rolled to a stop. I glanced out the window, but the windows were tinted too dark for me to see out of them.

The nameless ghoul in the drivers seat came around and opened the back door, grabbing my arm roughly and dragging me out of the car while Lashes walked up ahead of us.

I knew it was too soon for me to start fighting them, so I let the ghoul push me forward along a cobblestoned path leading up to a dingy shack. My eyes adjusted to the darkness, and I was able to see just how run-down the shack was.

_I wonder if Lashes uses the same place every time she abducts a victim, or if she rotates her locations._

I entered the shack, the door creaking open. A musty smell enshrouded the place, making me cough as I struggled to breathe in the thick air.

The ghoul pushed me from behind, while Lashes watched, laughing as I crashed to the ground. My hands tied, I felt unable to do anything to defend myself.

The ghoul pressed his one arm across my chest, holding me into the grimy floor. I was able to see his mask now, it was the frowning face of a gorilla. The ghoul's eyes glowed through the eye-holes. His other hand started to tear my dress at the seams.

**I sobbed as Ikeda ripped the clothes from my body, slapping me across the face when I dared to make a sound.**

The gorilla left me in my underwear and pushed me onto my stomach, hands above my head, before backing away to stand at the sidelines. It was clear that his job was now done, he did the dirty work, preparing the victim, so Lashes could have her fun.

The female ghoul's eyes changed and her kagune flew out from behind her back, four thin, razor sharp tails glowing blue in the darkness.

**Ikeda stood over me, the six blue and purple tentacles of his rinkaku fanning out behind him. "Keep quiet, bitch," he growled, his eyes glowing in the dim environment.**

I screamed, it echoed throughout the enclosed room.

"Scream as loud as you like sweetheart, no one's going to find you here," Lashes said simperingly.

I looked over my shoulder just before one of her whips came in contact, biting into the flesh of my back, drawing blood instantly. I gasped and clenched my jaw, refusing to let her know she was causing me pain.

**_I have to be quiet... If I'm not quiet he'll make things so much worse for me._ **

**Ikeda's kagune snaked around my ankle and suddenly I felt like I was floating, unable to see anything because I was blindfolded. The blood rushed to my head and the darkness around me spun, tiny lights flickering behind my eyelids.**

**He gripped my ankle until I heard the crunch of the bone breaking, and he threw me to the floor.**

**"Humans break so easily." He chuckled.**

The fifth lash landed on my back, the pain agonizing. I felt the tightening in my right eye that meant my kakugan was showing, and I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, pressing my face into the floor to hide it.

**I was desperate. I'd managed to separate the leg of the wooden chair from it's body, my fingers were now bloodied and raw, my nails bent back. I sat on it, waiting for Ikeda to come into my room as he always did around this time of night. I let him press me into the bed, his stench filling my nostrils. When his eyes were closed, I pulled the wooden leg from behind me and slammed it into the back of his head, again and again, until his blood poured down on me. He collapsed onto me, and I barely managed to wriggle out from under him, rolling him onto his back and shoving the chair leg down his throat before escaping out the door and into the night.**

I heard the door slam back into the wall behind it, and heard Lashes exclaim, "Shit, Doves! Did you bring them here, little girl?" She flew at me, grasping the back of my head by my hair and slamming my face into the ground. Before she could repeat the action, I watched as a Kagune shot through her stomach, her blood splattering over me, her body falling to the ground.

Mutsuki stood over me, a fierce look in his eye, Sasaki and the others standing near the door, quinques out, ready to fight. But Mutsuki didn't need them. His kagune then sliced through the Gorilla's stomach as well, and he fell to the ground right next to me.

Mutsuki sliced the rope from my wrists and helped me up. Urie shrugged off his jacket and put it around my shoulders.

"I'm sorry it took us so long, Y/N-chan." Sasaki said, his eyes full of remorse.

A sudden movement caught my attention- the Gorilla was stirring.

Sasaki moved forward and slammed his blade quinque through the ghouls throat, doing the same thing to Lashes. After that, neither of them moved.

Curiosity got the best of me and I rolled the female ghouls body over, sliding her mask off her face.

_Now I know why she wears this kind of mask..._

A deep scar went down the left of face from eyebrow to mouth. It was puckered and the tissue was thick and pink. It cut across her eyelid, making it puffy and twisted. The corner of her mouth turned down permanently.

Mutsuki put an arm around me. "C'mon Y/N-chan, let's go home." He led me out to the CCG van waiting for us as Sasaki stayed behind to call for body-cleanup, mumbling to himself about how easily these ghouls went down, and how this ghoul was definitely not SS rated.

I got into the van, my body shivering but my mind numb, the cold shell protecting me from the flashbacks bombarding me nonstop.


	8. Truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

The next morning, I woke up with a raging headache due to being up until four a.m., curled up into a shaking ball, trying and failing to ward off the intrusive thoughts that buzzed through my brain. The minute I shut off my alarm clock, I knew I wasn't going to work.

I got out of bed and wandered into the bathroom, lifting my shirt up and twisting around to look at my back in the mirror. What were open cuts yesterday, were now very faint scars. I knew the scars would fade soon too. The wound on my arm from Juuzou's teeth was much deeper, and was still slightly open and painful. I pulled a roll of gauze out of the first aid kit Sasaki kept in the bathroom and wrapped it around the wound, holding the loose end in my teeth before taping it down.

Sasaki was in the kitchen, making breakfast like he did most mornings.

"Good morning, Y/N-chan, how are you feeling?"  
  


"Morning Sasaki-san. Uh, I have a really bad headache. Can I...Can I stay home today?"

"Sure. Today's just a paperwork day, you can type up your report at home." He smiled at me.

 

"Thanks, Sasaki-san. I'm going back to bed now."

I lay on my bed still unable to sleep, simply staring at the ceiling. 

Saiko woke up at the last minute before leaving as usual, waving goodbye to you as she scrambled out the door.

Once the squad left, I was just starting to drift to sleep when my phone buzzed. I groaned and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hi Y/N-chan, it's Juuzou."  
  


I sat up. "Hi Juuzou, what's going on?

"Well...I kind of need food..."

"Sure. I can get you some. Meet me by the abandoned apartment complex by the cute little home-style coffee shop in twenty minutes."

"Okay!" 

I hung up the phone and rushed around to get ready to leave.

_Why did I only give myself twenty minutes?_

I went to the refrigerator and pulled out one of the sealed envelopes that was kept in the drawer.

_Sorry Sasaki, I'll replace this soon._

I buttoned up my coat and headed out.

******

I saw Juuzou from a block away. He had spotted me and was waving his arm above his head. I waved back as I got closer.

He looked so much better than when I'd last seen him. His eyes were bright, and he looked clean. His hair was actually combed.

"Hey Juuzou." I handed him the package. I wished I could greet him with a hug, but I knew that wasn't appropriate- not anymore.

"Hi Y/N! Thank you!"

"You're welcome. Well...I guess I'd better get going."

I shuffled my feet awkwardly. "Actually, Juuzou, do you wanna go for coffee?"

He looked at me, a little surprised. "S-sure. But I don't have anywhere to carry this so I need to eat it first." His expression turned to one of embarrassment.

"There's no need to be embarrassed Juuzou. I let you eat my own flesh, I'm pretty sure you can eat in front of me. Let's go over here."

He followed me behind the row of empty apartments, some of them with windows knocked out, some of them dilapidated. I sat down on a crumbling bench in the courtyard full of dead trees. I patted the bench next to me.

He sat down hesitantly.

"Can you...can you look away?"

I shrugged and turned my face away from him.

_I think this is behavior unique to humans that have been turned ghoul... Sasaki never lets any of us see him eat either. But my mother was never shy, neither was Ikeda._

I heard the crumpling of the envelope.

"Okay, I'm done." Juuzou said in a small voice.

I turned back to face him. "Ready for coffee?"

He nodded and smiled.

******

"I'll have a black coffee, please."

"And I'll have a vanilla latte."

The waitress smiled as she wrote down our order.

Juuzou had his legs crossed under him in the small armchair at the cafe. 

_At least one thing hasn't changed, his weird way of sitting no matter where he is..._

I smiled  slightly and he looked at me curiously. 

"Sorry. So you drink black coffee now?"

"I don't really have a choice, any added ingredients make me sick."

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that part. Sorry."

The waitress came back with our coffees, setting them down gently on the table in between our two armchairs.

I thanked her and took a sip, burning my tongue.

"Shit," I muttered.

"So...Y/N-chan. I didn't only need food today. I'm glad you asked me to get coffee because I wanted to tell you something."

"What's that?" I could see he was excited to tell me whatever it was.

"I got a job! And I have a place to live now."

I was taken aback. "All of that happened since the last time I saw you"

He nodded, smiling. "It's not like an official job. I work for this guy. And I live in his apartment with him now too. Me and the other person who works for him."

I felt on edge. "What exactly do you do for this guy, Juuzou?"

He beckoned me closer to him. I leaned towards him and he cupped his hand around my ear. His hot breath tickled my earlobe as he whispered, "I'm his hit-man."

******

I slid the handgun inside the waistband of my pants and headed out into the empty streets of Tokyo. It was a short walk before I reached the house of the man I was looking for. 

I used the butt of the gun to break the back window and then climbed through it, a shard of glass gouging my arm but not breaking my tough skin.

"Who's there?" A male voice shouted. I smiled, following the sound of the voice.

A dark haired man was standing up beside his bed, his body tense. "Ah, you fit the description. Perfect~" Before he could respond I sent two bullets straight through his heart. He collapsed to the ground, and I went out through the window, leaving him laying in a growing pool of blood.

**

"Hit-man?!"

Juuzou nodded as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

"How can you be okay with killing people?"

His face became somber. "Y/N-chan, my job at the CCG was to kill others. I kill others to survive. No matter what I'm killing people. Why does this make a difference?"

"A-are you killing ghouls or humans?"

"Both. I kill whomever my boss tells me to kill."

I put my head in my hands. After a moment I felt a gentle hand on my arm.

"Y/N-chan."

I wiped the tears from my eyes quickly before looking at him. I looked at the small hand still resting on my arm, and I reached out my other hand and rested it on top of Juuzou's.

This was such a familiar feeling, I was overwhelmed with the wave of nostalgia that rushed over me, and the flood of pain when I remembered things would never again be how they were before. I jerked my hand away. "I- I have to go."

I hastily pulled some money out of my purse and set it on the table before rushing out the door, the chimes seeing me off.

I heard footsteps behind me, and felt a hand grab my arm. I whirled around reflexively, my fist connecting with the flesh and bone of someone's cheek.

My eyes then focused on a rather stunned-looking Juuzou.

"Y/N-chan...Don't run away from me. Please." He stared at me, his eyes mesmerizing. His hand was still grasping my arm.

"I'm sorry I hit you...I...I didn't know it was you, it was just a reflex." I glanced at him, assessing the damage I'd caused. His cheek was only slightly red.

"It's okay. I shouldn't have grabbed you but.. I couldn't bear to see you run away from me."  
 He looked at the ground.

"Juuzou, do you want to come to my house.. where we can talk privately?"

He nodded and let go of my arm, letting me lead the way.

******

I sat on one end of the couch, while Juuzou sat on the other. We were facing each other, yet respecting each other's boundaries by giving one another lots of personal space.

"Can you tell me more about your...job...Juuzou?"

His eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Are you asking me as my friend or as a member of the CCG?"

His question stung a little but I refused to show it. "I'm asking as your friend."  
  


"Well... it all just kind of... happened. I met this girl one night when I was out looking for food. She was following me. I felt that maybe I was in danger. But I knew she wasn't from the CCG...I don't know how I knew, I just did. So when I... when I killed a human that night, I did it mercilessly. I knew she was watching, and I wanted her to know how ruthless I could be, so she wouldn't get in my way. When I was done, instead of running away like I thought she would, she approached me. I was ready to kill her too, but she asked me to hear her out. She said that she and her boss knew that I was part of Akui, before we disbanded, and they knew that I was the one killing cops. They said that they wanted me to be a part of their team. I was scared that they might know more info about me...maybe info about you...so I went to see her boss. And then he became my boss as well. I don't know his name, I've never seen his face. Amaya and I take turns doing the killing. He provides us with a place to stay, food, and money."

I was speechless. "Juuzou..I'm sure you know how dangerous this is, so I'm not going to tell you what you already know. But I will say this... I'm worried. If the CCG finds out about this, hell, they may even know already, if they go after your boss...they'll go after you too...and you will probably die."

I didn't realize my hands were clenched into fists until my knuckles began to ache.

"I'm not worried about that, Y/N-chan. That's just a part of life."

"Juuzou. I'm worried about it. I don't want you to die. I thought I made that clear when I brought you back from death's door by letting you feed off me. I'll do everything in my power to protect you from the CCG. If something happens and you and your boss fall under our attack... I'll... I'll get you out of there alive. Even...Even if it means losing my job. Even if it means sacrificing my own life. The only thing I won't do is betray my squad. I'll figure something out."

My fingernails were digging into the palms of my hands, starting to draw blood. I let go and wiped the blood on my jeans, noticing how Juuzou's gaze followed my bloody hands.

"That probably won't happen Y/N-chan. The boss is pretty smart. But...thank you, I guess. Thanks for wanting to save my worthless life."

"You're not worthless." I spat out angrily. "Don't.. don't say things like that. Three years ago, you... you meant everything to me. Hell, you still do. I still love you and I hate to see you putting yourself in danger like this!"

I gasped, realizing what I'd just said. I clamped my hand over my mouth. "I'm sorry. I don't... I can't... You should go."

He sat, un-moving, tugging viciously at the stitches on the back of his hand. I watched as he unconsciously ripped one straight out of the flesh, a bead of blood pooling and then spilling, a crimson splotch against his pale skin.

He looked down then. "Oops." He wiped the blood onto his black pants. "I'm gonna go now, Y/N-chan. I'll see you later." He walked out without another word.

Tears fell from my eyes.

_I think I've just ruined everything that I had hoped to rebuild._


	9. This is not a Fairytale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy some sappiness.
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

_Why did I do that? How could I be so stupid? Did I just lose control of my mouth for a second there? Now I've scared him away. We were making progress..._

I slammed the palm of my hand against the arm of the couch, cursing my stupidity. I know it's far-fetched to think that Juuzou and I could work things out, could be together again. This isn't a fairy tale. But I still hope for it each and every day, and almost every night I dream of how things could've been if our lives hadn't taken such a drastic turn.

With as much as both of us have been through, things needed to be taken slow if we had any chance of rebuilding what we once had. I don't even know whether or not my feelings are one-sided. 

_For all I know, he's fallen out of love with me already. I'm nothing special, why would he think about me over the three years we were separated?_

_No, I can't think that. I can't take that pain._

I stared at my silent cellphone, wishing I had his number, wishing I could call him and ask him to come back, to be the one running after him.

_This is stupid. I can't afford to be in love with a ghoul, and a dangerous one at that. I'll lose my job if anyone finds out...but I swore to protect him...he's worth losing my job for._

_God, what is wrong with me._

_I need some air._

I slipped on my shoes and pulled on a thin jacket and let myself out of the apartment, locking the door behind me.

I rounded the corner, staring at the ground as I walked, hands shoved into my pockets. Suddenly I felt my foot catch on something, and I started to fall forward, sticking my arms out in front of me, preparing to break my fall.

But I didn't fall.

Someone grabbed my arm and stopped me from hitting the ground. I was instantly ready to become to defensive when the hand didn't leave my arm after I had regained my balance.

"Sorry Y/N-chan, I didn't mean to trip you. I wasn't paying attention to where my feet were."

I looked up into the eyes of the person who'd caught me, the red irises so familiar that for a second I felt right at home.

"J-Juuzou? What are you doing here?"

He looked down, letting my arm out of his grip. "You told me to go. I didn't really want to leave so I waited over here in hopes that you'd come out and I could have another chance to talk to you."

My breath caught in my throat. "W-what did you want to talk to me about?" My palms were sweating. 

_What if he tells me he doesn't ever want to see me again?_

"About what you said right before you told me to leave. You said..you said you still love me? How can you...still love me?" He seemed to be having trouble getting these words out, his brow was furrowed in concentration.

My heart was pounding. _How am I supposed to answer that?_

"You know what I am. You know the sorts of things that I've done in the past three years. How can you have that knowledge...and still love me?" His voice was nearly a whisper now.  
  


"Juuzou, I love you for who you are. Who you really are. The things you've done, they're just white noise. I know the real you. I had the honor of getting to know you, of seeing what was under that protective exterior. Three years have passed and we're both different now. I want to know the person you are now. No matter what happens. But I realize that it's possible that you might not feel the same way about me anymore. And if you don't, that's okay. I'll know you as a friend. As long as I can know you, as long as you're in my life-"

I stopped talking abruptly when his arms slowly wound themselves around me, his hands pressing gently against my back.

My breathing was shallow as I put my arms around his waist, stepping into the unsure hug. It was all at once as if we had never been this close before, and also like coming home after a long trip, and reacquainting myself with the place I knew the best.

Time seemed irrelevant. We stayed there for minutes, just embracing each other, reminding ourselves of the days when we hugged each other goodbye and hello as a part of our day, long after physical contact had ceased to make our hearts race.

"You are the first person I loved in a way that wasn't familial, and even that kind of love was few and far between for me, and I didn't know what it meant, I didn't understand, not until it was too late. You think I could just.. stop loving the person who unknowingly broke down my walls? You didn't even try to. They just came crumbling down in your presence because I needed to be around you."

I felt tears gathering in my eyes at his unabashed honesty, so like the Juuzou I had known so well.

 His voice was lower now. "If it wasn't for you and Shinohara-san, I don't think I would be capable of love, because before, the only kind of love I knew, was associated with pain. The two of you showed me that that's not  the case, that yes, love is painful at times, but when the pain is intentional, that's not love. I've spent these three years hoping that I'd find you again, I thought about it everyday, even when I thought I was no longer worthy of love, I still hoped we'd meet again. And we did, against all odds. So that has to mean something right?"

He spoke these words right against my ear, sending chills down my spine.

I nodded my head. "Yes, it has to mean something. We were meant to find each other again, though things won't be easy. Things have never been easy for us, have they?"  
  


He held me at arms length now, shaking his head. "No, they haven't, but it's okay. That just means we have to fight. I think you're worth the fight~"

I smiled, aware that I was blushing. I hugged him again. _I know this relationship is going to take a lot of patience and work, we both have our own struggles. Just like we did years ago. And just like we did years ago, we can help each other. I will do everything in my power to protect him._

 

****Juuzou's point of view****

 

I breathed in the scent of her hair as my chin rested on the top of her head. It still smelled like green apple, even after all this time. The scent no longer reminded me of my favorite candy, it solely reminded me of her. Like the scent didn't exist outside of this moment.

_Things are going to be hard. I'm a ghoul. She's with the CCG. Everything has changed. But at the same time, in this moment, nothing has changed. Just like I did when our love was new, I still vow to protect her. I will keep her safe, no matter what._


	10. The Right Thing to Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

 

****Three Week Time Skip****

 

I yawned and rolled over as the alarm on my phone vibrated. I sat up slowly, trying my best not to wake up Juuzou. But as I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up, he murmured "Good morning Y/N-chan."

"Sorry I woke you Juuzou. I have to go home and get ready for work."

His hand reached out and grasped my wrist loosely. "Just five more minutes. You're so warm...the bed is cold without you," he said sleepily.

I gave in and crawled back under the covers. "Only five more minutes, or I'll be late to work." Juuzou nodded in agreement and pulled me towards him, nuzzling his head against my shoulder.

******

I never thought I'd sleep in the same bed with Juuzou again- or anyone for that matter. It takes a large amount of trust to believe that someone won't hurt you while you're asleep- or at least for me it does, after Ikeda. Juuzou feels the same way, he's scared of losing control and hurting me, since he's a ghoul now. The first night he snuck me into his apartment, he ended up sleeping on the floor because I couldn't handle having a body in the bed beside me. The next night, I slept sitting up because that made me more comfortable. Then one night we fell asleep while laying next to each other talking. After that we were slowly able to make the transition to sleeping on opposite sides of the bed, then to holding hands while sleeping, and finally, to sleeping in each others arms. Rebuilding our trust in one another has been slightly easier than I thought it would be.

At some moments, it feels like nothing has changed. But then something will trigger me and I'll have a flashback and push Juuzou away from me, and it will all come flooding back; nothing is the same, and it never will be. But maybe that's okay, because even though the circumstances in which our love exists are different, we found each other again against all odds.

******

 

"Are you ever going to sleep at home again?" Saiko asked as she took the screen off the window so I could climb through.

"In all honesty? Probably not." I laughed as I put the screen back on the window.

This was our routine every morning now. I'd come back home an hour before I had to be at work so I could get ready, and everyone besides Saiko would assume I'd been in my own bed sleeping soundly all night. I couldn't bear the thought of the others knowing I was spending the night at someone's house. I didn't even want them knowing I was in a relationship, because I knew they'd question me as to why I didn't bring the guy around.

As badly as I wanted to bring Juuzou around the squad, to have the two most important parts of my life meet, I knew they'd most likely recognize him as part of Akui, and although Akui was a thing of the past, I couldn't let that happen. It was bad enough having even Saiko know I was in love with a ghoul.

But today, my bubble of denial was burst.

"Sasaki knows you're not sleeping here, Y/N-chan. So you don't have to sneak around like a teenager anymore." She looked at me sternly.

"W-what? How does he know?"

Saiko smirked at me. "He's not an idiot. Also Mutsuki saw you sneaking in one morning and accidentally told him."

"Secrets do not exist in this household do they?" I muttered to myself as I headed into the bathroom to shower.

Saiko followed me into the bathroom, brushing her teeth while I showered, but remained standing at the sink even after she'd finished.

"Um, Saiko, is there a reason you're still standing there?" I raised my voice to be heard over the running water.

"Well...I think you should tell Sasaki-san the truth about Juuzou. I don't think he'll be upset, I mean...he's a ghoul too. But he would be upset that you lied to him, and for all this time too. Just think about it, Y/N-chan." She left the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

I let the hot water cascade down my face, wishing it could wash away my worries like it washed away the filth of the world from my skin.

_Maybe Saiko is right, and I should tell Sasaki...but...I don't see how it's any of his business who I date, really. If I was dating a human it wouldn't matter._

I never got a chance to decide whether or not it mattered.


	11. Caught

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

We were on our way to CCG headquarters for a meeting when Sasaki got a call from headquarters. He pressed a button on the small device in his ear and picked up the call.

"Sasaki speaking. En route to headquarters. The Quinx are with me, yes. Alright. Okay, we'll go now." He ended the call with the press of another button and made a U-turn at the next light.

"Uh, where are we going?" Urie was the first to ask the question we were all thinking.

"That was Marude. The CCG just got a call from local police that two individuals, believed to be ghouls, were seen breaking into a house. The neighbors heard screaming and loud noises from inside the house, so they called the police. He wants me to go take a look since I'm in the area. He said it's unlikely I'll need backup, but I have a whole car full of backup if I end up needing it." He smiled, and pulled the car over to the curb.

"This is the house. The ghouls were not seen leaving the house but that doesn't mean they're no longer in there. They could have gone out a back way. Urie, come with me."

Urie unbuckled his seat belt, scowling a little as he grabbed his briefcase from where it rested at his feet.

I held a finger up to my lips, chomping down on the already short nail. For some explainable reason, I was suddenly very nervous. 

I watched Sasaki and Urie's retreating forms before getting up from my seat. "I'm going too." Saiko gave me a puzzled look, but I ignored it and got out of the car.

I didn't bother catching up to them, because I knew Sasaki would tell me to go back to the car, backup wasn't needed, etc.

They forced open the front door of the house, and I saw Urie take out his quinque as soon as he saw whatever was happening inside.

My body was full of nervous energy I had no explanation for as I stepped onto the porch, and looked through the window.

The first thing I saw were two dead bodies, a man and a woman. If I had to guess I'd say they were humans, but there was no way for me to know for sure yet. They were slumped against the far wall, blood leaking from their mouths and pouring from various other parts of their anatomies.

Sasaki had his quinque drawn, it was held at the throat of a tall, slender ghoul. Blood was seeping from her throat from the pressure he was putting on the blade. Her long dark hair hid her face, and four purple stumps were protruding from her back, the remnants of a rinkaku kagune that had been sliced off. As I watched, they dissolved completely.

A sudden movement drew my attention away from Sasaki and the girl, I watched as Urie stabbed his quinque through the abdomen of another ghoul, one with shaggy black hair and ukaku wings large and brilliant. Urie stabbed the ghoul again, blood pouring out when he yanked the blade out the ripped flesh.

"Urie! No!"

I rushed into the house and put my body between Urie and the ghoul, knocking Urie's quinque out of his hands, it fell to the floor with a clatter in the now silent room. "Stop." I said breathlessly. Everyone was looking at me, confusion painted across their faces. Every face except Juuzou's. His was painted scarlet with the blood he had just coughed up.

"Y/N what are you doing? Get out of the way!" Urie said, confusion and anger intertwining in his tone.

"Don't... you can't... please don't hurt him."

There was a thump as Juuzou fell to his knees, blood pooling around him.

I sat down on the floor next to him, putting his upper body across my lap.

"If you're going to kill him, you can kill me too. But look at him, he's not hurting you right now. Neither is she." I gestured to the female ghoul who was slumped against the wall, her blood-slick hands around her throat, trying to seal the cut Sasaki's quinque had left.

"Y/N, what are you talking about? They just murdered these people, and we've been sent here to take them down."

"Like I said, if you need to kill him, you can kill me too. I won't let you hurt him otherwise." Before I knew it my kagune was effortlessly tearing through my flesh and clothing, whipping around behind me like a lethal cats tail. 

I pulled Juuzou up into a sitting position between my legs, my kagune snaking around from behind me and wrapping around the both of us, making us one, which is just how I wanted Sasaki and Urie to see us.

_If you kill him, you kill me._

I wasn't unaware of the fact that I was now sitting in an ever-growing puddle of blood, and that Juuzou's cognizance seemed fuzzy at best. 

_I have to get us out of here, I need to take care of his wounds._

"Sasaki, please. He could die if I don't do something soon. Please just let me take him."

"No! I'm going to kill him, and his partner." Urie stepped towards me, quinque in hand.

"Urie." Sasaki said quietly. Urie's eyes smoldered and he didn't put his quinque down, but he didn't bring it any closer either. It rested right at the base of my throat, the blade just barely grazing the skin there.

"Get out of here Y/N." Sasaki's voice was harsh with anger that bubbled just under the surface. When I paused he yelled, "Go!"

He turned on his heel and walked away from me, leaving me sitting on the sticky floor, Urie following him. I was afraid I'd never see them again.

I released my kagune from where it held Juuzou and got up, walking over to where the girl sat. I had by now figured out that this must be Amaya, Juuzou's partner in his job as a hit-man.

I extended my hand to her. She grasped it with one of her own, and stood up shakily. "Can you walk?"

She nodded before gagging and spitting blood onto the already soaked floor. I quickly tore off one of the sleeves of my cardigan and made a mock tourniquet so she wouldn't bleed out on the way to their apartment, wherever that was. _I hope it's nearby..._

I knelt down in front of Juuzou. "Can you walk?" I put my hand to his cheek gently, and his red eyes found my own.

"I think I'm okay, Y/N-chan." He stood up without my assistance, wobbling only slightly. I took one of his hands in my own and gestured for Amaya to follow us, leaving behind the house tainted with death and fear.

_What have I done..._


	12. Tending Wounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably my favorite chapter in this fic.
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

My hand clutched Juuzou's as we headed for his apartment, cutting through alleys when we could to avoid being noticed. We definitely made a weird sight, the three of us covered in blood, some dried and some still oozing from wounds and coagulating. I had come out unscathed but somehow my clothes were just as filthy as Amaya's and Juuzou's.

"We make a right here, Y/N-chan, then it's the first apartment on your left."

We stood in front of one of the largest apartment complexes I'd ever seen. It was made up of only five apartments, but each was huge. The lawn out in front was well-kept, and flower boxes adorned the windows. They looked like the kind of apartments that an elderly, well-off couple would live in, not a powerful, nameless ghoul and his two hit-men.

"T-this is your apartment?"

Juuzou and Amaya both nodded. Amaya pulled a key ring off her belt and unlocked the door, letting the three of us in.

It was just as spacious inside as it appeared from the outside. However there was very little furniture, and it had a cold, unwelcoming vibe about it. The empty living room echoed with our footsteps.

I shivered slightly as I followed Juuzou and Amaya into the kitchen, which was furnished with only a small table, and a large refrigerator, and a coffeepot.

"Let's stay down here, I don't think Amaya will make it upstairs in her condition."

"My condition? What about your condition, Suzuya-kun?" Amaya protested, her cerulean eyes flashing defensively.

Juuzou just blinked, unfazed by her tone. "I'm already beginning to heal. You however, need stitches. So sit down and let Y/N-chan clean your wound while I go get my sewing kit."

I smiled apologetically at Amaya as she eased into a chair. I removed the tourniquet around her neck, feeling my stomach tense up at the sight of the deep cut.

_She hasn't begun to heal at all..._

"Cleaning this is going to hurt like a bitch, so I'm sorry in advance."

"It's fine. I'm sure I've endured worse."

Juuzou came down stairs, his sewing kit in one hand and a bottle of peroxide in the other.

"Sorry Y/N-chan, you kind of need this to clean. I forgot." He handed me the brown bottle.

I opened it, cupping my hand under Amaya's cut to catch the excess liquid. "Here we go," I murmured, watching as Amaya clutched the seat of the chair she sat in with shaking hands.

I poured the peroxide into the wound, watching as red-tinted foam ran down her neck. She didn't move or make any noise to indicate that it hurt, but I knew it must have.

"Alright, it's clean." I wiped away the excess solution from her skin.

Juuzou was waiting beside me, a needle in his hand already sanitized and at the ready.

Without a word of warning, he began to make neat stitches across the cut, closing it.

"Um... do you mind me asking why you're not healing? I mean, you're a ghoul, right..."

Amaya's face was pale with blood loss and pain. "I don't know. Yes, I'm a ghoul, and yes, I eat regularly. I've never healed like a ghoul. But what I lack in regeneration, I make up for with my fighting skills."

I noted again the defensive way she spoke of herself. This was a girl who had been severely downtrodden in the past, forced to prove herself, forced to put herself last. Now she was making up for it by serving as a killing machine, determined to prove her worth even if it cost her her life.

"All done~" Juuzou stepped away from Amaya, admiring his work. Ten perfect stitches closed the cut neatly.

"How does your needle pierce a ghoul's skin, Juuzou?"

"It's made of quinque steel. The boss had some needles made for us, because we needed to sew ourselves up quite a few times. He doesn't know I use them for my own purposes too," he laughed, gesturing to the stitches trailing down his right arm.

I shook my head, smiling. "Let me see your wounds Juuzou. I want to make sure you're okay."  
  


He looked down, visibly uncomfortable. "They're okay. I can take care of them myself."

"Juuzou..."

His eyes flashed quickly to Amaya and then back to me.

The other ghoul caught the look, and proving herself to be very observant, got up slowly from her chair. "I'm going to go upstairs and rest a little while you do that."

I waited until she had disappeared up the stairs before taking Juuzou's hand in my own. "Please, let me see them. It's okay."

Juuzou sighed quietly and unbuttoned his shirt. I kept my face expressionless as my eyes took in everything he hadn't wanted me to see.

Along with the many other faded scars I'd already seen before, the raised and puckered ridges from both his brutal childhood and fights with ghouls as an investigator, his abdomen was now littered with many new scars, evidence of many stabbings and slicings, attacks meant to kill. Assessing the wounds from that day, I was shocked to find out that Urie's quinque stabs had penetrated all the way through his body, coming out his back.

But he was right, they were almost healed. "Well, there's no use in cleaning these or stitching them, since they're almost closed." My voice was trembling with the tears I was biting back. He buttoned his shirt quickly.

_So much damage has been done to him in these past years...he's not safe, he's never been safe. I'm lucky he's still alive._

"I'm sorry Y/N-chan." He said quietly.

I looked at him, making him meet my eyes. "What are you sorry for?"

"That you had to see that. It's disgusting, I know."

"J-Juuzou, it's not disgusting. At all. I'm just worried about you...I don't want to lose you. You...you can't do this job anymore..."

"What choice do I have? What else am I supposed to do? This is the only thing I'm good at. The only skill-set I have." His voice broke mid-sentence. I moved closer to him, wishing to comfort him.

"That's not true." I ran my fingers through the wild ends of his hair. "We can find you something else. It doesn't have to be this way. You and Amaya aren't safe here. You're not safe from the CCG and I don't believe you're safe from your 'boss' either. One wrong move and I don't think he'd hesitate to k-"

I was silenced by the palm of Juuzou's hand pressed against my mouth. "Shhh, Y/N-chan. We can't talk about that here." His eyes were wide with an expression that rarely graced his features- fear.

I nodded and he took his hand away from my mouth, instead caressing my cheek.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Y/N-chan," he murmured.

Our faces were now only inches away, I could see every gleam of light reflected in his scarlet eyes, every detail on the red stitching through his bottom lip.

My heart pounding, I leaned closer to him, pressing my lips gently against his in the first kiss we'd shared in over three years.

He only hesitated for a millisecond before kissing me back. I could feel him smiling into the kiss.

And then, a shrill ringing pierced the quiet air.

_My phone. Shit._

I pulled it out of my pocket, silencing the ring quickly, before looking at the name on the screen.

_Sasaki._


	13. Consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

  
  
  
My voice shook as I answered the call. "H-hello Sasaki-san?"

"Hello, Y/N-chan."

"W-what's going on, Sasaki-san?"

"Well, this is hard for me to say...but...due to recent circumstances, I can't have you as part of my squad anymore. It's unrealistic for you to be involved in any sort of work in the field, since you seem to have some new-found love for ghouls now. Maybe you can find another job within the CCG, like, answering calls or something. I can try to help you with that...I'm sorry it had to come to this Y/N-chan, I really am. You were an important part of the squad."

I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face. "N-no, you don't understand, I don't love ghouls! It's-it's complicated. Please, give me a chance to explain. The squad...you all are such an important part of my life...I never meant to hurt any of you. I'm sorry..."

"I wish that any explanation you could give would change things...but it won't. This isn't only my decision, I had to report the incident to Special Class Marude, I  had to explain why we weren't able to bring in those ghouls. When he found out the truth, he wanted to go to Chairman Washuu and see what protocol was in this type of circumstance, but I told him I would handle it, I didn't think getting the chairman involved would bode well for your chances of possibly getting another job in the CCG. I hope things work out for you, Y/N-chan."

I heard a click followed by an emptiness flowing through the line and I knew Sasaki had hung up.

I threw my phone onto the ground, heard the multiple clatters that meant it had come apart. My face was in my hands, my body wracked with sobs. A gentle hand lit on my shoulder, and the screech of wooden chair legs against tile echoed throughout the desolate apartment as Juuzou moved closer to me.

I wiped the tears from my eyes only for new ones to blossom in the corners and drip down my face. "What am I going to do, Juuzou? What am I going to do without a job? No, screw the job,  I've lost the people I considered family. That's what hurts the most. I can get a new job...Sasaki said he'd help me...the CCG can't really just abandon me since I had the surgery...but I'll be stuck sitting behind a desk if anything."

I looked up at Juuzou, seeing that he had moved slightly away from me, his body language withdrawn.

And then I realized what I'd said wordlessly. I'd implied that I regretted my decision that day, that I wished I hadn't stepped in to stop my squad from inflicting further damage on Juuzou and Amaya.

"W-wait, Juuzou. I didn't mean that to come out how it sounded. What I did...I wouldn't change it. I just wish things had ended up differently. I wish it didn't have to be like this."

Juuzou shrugged his small shoulders, still refusing to look at me.

I took one of his hands, but it was limp under my fingers. "Juuzou, look at me." He raised his eyes to gaze at me sullenly.

"Yes, I'm upset that I lost my job. Yes, I'm upset that I may never see the Q's and Sasaki again, and if I do, it won't be the same. They don't trust me anymore, and rightfully so. I put them in danger, twice. The first time because of my love for you, and my fear of you all at once, and the second time, because of my determination to protect you. I promised myself I would never betray my squad, but I did. However, would I change it? If I could go back in time would I stand by and let them hurt you? No, never. As much as I hate losing them, I can't bear the thought of losing you. At least I know they are relatively safe. They have each other. I... I love you, Juuzou. I will never regret anything that I did to protect you. Never."

Juuzou's face relaxed and his fingers curled around mine, linking our hands together. "I love you too, Y/N-chan," he murmured, and I leaned in and kissed his cheek.

****Two days later****

****Juuzou's point of view****   
  
  


_I know what I have to do. I have to try, anyway._

I looked at Y/N's sleeping form, her hair laying across her face, her soft breaths blowing strands off her face rhythmically.

I slid off the bed carefully, knowing that if I woke her, my plan wouldn't work. She would never let me do this, put myself in such danger.

I dressed quickly and left the apartment, a long walk ahead of me.

******

My heart thrummed in my chest as I stood in front of the building. I hadn't been here in three years. I took a deep breath and stepped through the automatic doors, a rush of artificially cold air hitting me, helping to cool my skin that was prickly with nerves.

A vaguely familiar face greeted me with a vacant smile. "What business do you have here, sir?"

I cleared my throat. "I need to speak with Special Class Marude."

"Do you have an appointment?" The receptionist asked, a sigh in her voice.

"No. I didn't schedule one, I'm sorry. But he knows me..." My voice trailed off, hoping that was still true, hoping this man would remember me, the investigator for whom he hadn't bothered to conceal his vague dislike. He'd looked at me with disdain from the first day we met, before I ever gave him a reason to dislike me.

She picked up the phone, cradling it between her neck and shoulder. "What's your name?"

"Suzuya Juuzou."

"Special Class Marude, I have a Suzuya Juuzou at the desk asking to see you. He says you know him."

Her eyes widened slightly in response to the voice coming through the phone. She set it down on it's receiver and nodded at me. "His office is through those gates and to the right, five doors down."

"Thank you." My chapped lips stung as I forced a smile. I'd never before noticed how dry the air was in this building. I almost felt like I was suffocating, my skin drying out and becoming too small for me, my heart thumping out of rhythm with panic as my eyes fell on the metal gate, the only obstacle between me and where I needed to go.

The RC scanner.

The gate designed to keep ghouls out of the CCG.

I wondered to myself if it was even on, gritting my teeth and silently hoping that they'd neglected to turn it on this morning.

But as I stepped closer, I heard the annoying hum that signaled it was on and functioning.

I felt the receptionist's eyes on the back of my neck. "Sir, is there something the matter?"

_Shit._

"No!" I said brightly, smiling and stepping through the gate. I braced myself for the loud blaring of an alarm.

It didn't come. I stepped through the gate as if I was just as human as I used to be.

I let out the breath I had been holding and continued down the hallway, the fluorescent lights reflecting off the white floor and making me dizzy.

I rapped my knuckles against the fifth door on the right, bouncing nervously back and forth between the balls and heels of my feet.

"Come in," a rumbling voice called out, and I did as it said, stepping into the room with trembling hands.

"Suzuya." Marude said simply, regarding me standing in front of him with tired eyes. "Please, sit." He said, gesturing to the chair straight across from him.

I tucked my left leg under me and sat on it, letting my prosthetic dangle, my foot not reaching the floor. I gazed at Marude and he stared right back, neither of us saying a word. Overcome with nerves, I hooked a finger under one of the stitches through the flesh of my forearm and tugged at it gently, waiting for him to speak, but dreading what he would say.

"Suzuya. What happened to you?" He said gruffly, something unreadable lurking in his tone.

I tilted my head, looking at him. For once, I didn't feel like speaking.

"One day you showed up for work, and the next... we got a call from the hospital saying you'd been gravely injured and wouldn't be able to work, that you'd be on permanent disability, if you pulled through. And I thought to myself, that just doesn't sound like Suzuya. Something seems wrong here. But there was nothing I could do about it." His voice was low.

"I was injured. Pretty badly, I guess. But I'm not here to talk about me. I can never be an investigator again. But Y/N can. I know she was one of your best, before she made some mistakes."

Marude stared at me, confusion written all over his rough features. "What do you know about that? How do you know Y/N?"

"I know her very well. What happened, it's my fault. She was protecting me."

Marude sat up straighter in his chair, sliding it back, putting distance between us.

"She won't have to do that again. I'm the only thing standing between her and her success as an investigator. And I'm turning myself in."

"Suzuya, what are you talking about?"

"The reason I can never be an investigator again, is because I'm a ghoul now."


	14. Threats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

I reached my arms out lazily in a still-half-asleep stretch, eyelids fluttering open when my fingertips landed on a cool expanse of sheet instead of Juuzou's sleeping form.

I sat up, taking in the smoothly tucked sheet. I shivered in the brisk morning air as I tiptoed to the bathroom down the hall from Juuzou's room and, not finding him there either, padded down the remaining length of hallway to Amaya's room, where I knocked gently on the door.

It opened almost immediately and Amaya beckoned me in quickly before shutting it behind us.

Amaya was already fully dressed, hair combed, ready to leave the house whenever the boss spoke a command.

She sat down on the bed, hands tucked under her thighs, waiting patiently for me to tell her why I'd knocked at her door.

"Amaya... Have you seen Juuzou?"

She cocked her head, bangs falling across her eyes, but not before I saw a flash of something off in the depths of her caramel brown eyes.

"I haven't seen him since last night when you guys said goodnight." Her voice faltered.

"O-okay. Well he's not here, do you have any idea where he might have gone?"

She shook her head slowly, picking at her cuticles.

I sighed and left her room, closing the door loudly behind me.

****Juuzou's point of view****

"A ghoul?" Marude seemed to struggle to wrap his mind around the phrase.

"Mhm, need proof?" I gave him a toothy grin and leaned forward, resting my elbows on his desk.

He moved his chair back incrementally, only starting to shake his head before I took my eyes off his face and searched his desk, my gaze landing triumphantly on a letter opener resting near a stack of mail.

I grabbed it, watching the fear fester in his eyes as I made a quick slice across my inner wrist with enough force to sever veins and possibly nerves if I were human.

Instead the blade tugged at my skin, but left it completely unmarred.

I smiled at him, sliding the letter opener across the desk. "Would you like to try?" I watched a parade of emotions cross his face fleetingly, unable to identify any of them except the one that remained, fear. Marude was scared of me, here, in a building full of investigators who could easily take me down. Here, where all he had to do was sound an alarm and I'd be put down like a rabid dog. Why?

"You know the cost of turning yourself in, don't you Suzuya? If you don't have information that we need, you'll just be executed."

"Yes," I purred. "But I have information that you'll want."

******

I showered and dressed like it was a normal day, but the trembling of my hands claimed otherwise.

_Something about the way Amaya looked... She was so nervous... She's hiding something._

I grabbed a knife from the drawer of my things in Juuzou's dresser and headed to Amaya's room, tapping at her door for the second time that day.

She opened it and I barged in, pushing her slender frame against the wall and holding my knife to her throat.

Her eyes were wide, filled with betrayal. "Just tell me where he is. I know you know, because you're a terrible liar. I just need to know if he's in danger. Please." My voice cracked.

She grabbed onto the wrist that held the knife, nails digging into my flesh, wordlessly begging me to remove it from her throat, where the blade rested just below the neat row of stitches holding together her still-healing cut.

I let my arm fall to my side, shrugging my shoulders in defeat. "This knife wouldn't have hurt you anyway. It's just a plain knife. I don't want to hurt you, Amaya. I just need to know where Juuzou is."

Amaya let her legs go limp under her, sliding down the wall to the floor.

"I don't know exactly where he went. He just told me... That he was going to fix what had happened, since it was his fault. And he told me not tell you no matter what. But Y/N, I'm worried about him too. So I can't keep it to myself. I think.." Her voice dropped to a whisper barely above the sound of an exhale. "I think he's going to try to give information to the police about our boss. Which will end really, really badly for him."

I sat down on the floor next to Amaya, my voice copying the volume of hers. "I thought you didn't know anything about him?"

Amaya clenched her fists. "We didn't. Until about 10 days ago."

She took in a shaky breath. "He thought we'd left for an errand already. I came upstairs because I forgot my phone. I saw his face... it was the face of someone I used to know. When he realized I'd seen him, he went crazy, starting throwing me around like I was a doll. He... He tried to rape me. It wouldn't have been the first time...He raped me years ago, when I was still a child." She choked back a sob and I instinctively reached out my hand, placing it over hers.

"That day...Juuzou heard all the noise and came upstairs. He stopped him b-but then... He just beat Juuzou worse than he had me, and I couldn't do anything to stop him, I was so scared." She put her face in her hands.

"What happened then?" I whispered.

She wiped her face quickly before meeting my eyes again.

"He said that if we spoke a word to anyone, or if we tried to quit working for him, he'd kill the people precious to us, and then he left. Switched his location out of fear of being found out, in case his threat wasn't enough to keep us quiet. I don't have anyone, but Juuzou has you. I'm scared for you Y/N-chan. I don't doubt that he'll do what he threatened. My old partner, the one I had before Juuzou. The one who recruited me..she-"

"You can tell me that story on the road. Amaya, we need to leave. I don't know where we're going to go. But anywhere is safer than here." My blood ran cold. I felt trapped, taken over by a nervous energy, a need to flee.

Amaya nodded slowly, running my words through her mind as she stood up, starting to pack without me even telling her to, like she was used to running.

I went to Juuzou's room and began to do the same, packing what little stuff I kept there into a plastic bag.

****Juuzou's point of view****

I felt the cold metal of the too-tight handcuffs biting at the skin of my wrists, but I didn't feel anything else as one of Marude's lackeys threw me roughly into a CCG transport van.

I watched the scenery out the window flit past my eyes, knowing exactly where I was going.

I'd earned myself a fast pass to Cochlea.


	15. The Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for suicide, graphic.
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

****Amaya's point of view****

****8 months ago****

_"H-he said he's going to kill my b-brother if I tell anyone about him. What am I going to do Amaya? I can't do this anymore..."  I ran my fingers through Misaki's blonde locks, trying to comfort her, but my mind was preoccupied. We had an errand to run, and the boss didn't like to be kept waiting._

_"Misaki, please don't tell anyone. You have to keep your brother safe by keeping your mouth shut. This isn't a job you can just leave. You knew that."_

_"I didn't know what I was signing up for! We killed a couple with a baby yesterday! We left that child an orphan. How can you live with yourself? I can't. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I haven't been able to function since I saw the look in their eyes as they begged us not to kill them. What did they even do to him? I can't imagine that sweet couple doing anything wrong," She broke down into sobs, pushing my hand away from her hair.  
_

_"You're just as bad as him, Amaya! You just go along with it! He says jump, and you say how high."  
_

_"Misaki, I'm just trying to survive!" I screamed, Misaki's bloodshot blue eyes widening in fear. "You've been doing this much longer than me, you brought me here, so don't give me that shit! If anyone's as bad as him, it's you."  
_

_I picked myself up off the floor, adrenaline coursing through my veins. "Pull yourself together. We have an errand to run." My voice was like thin ice, freezing and threatening to break with the slightest pressure.  
_

 

**

 

_The barrel of my gun was pressed against the chest of an older man. He didn't say anything. He didn't beg for his life like some of the others, and he didn't hasten to try and prove his innocence. He stared at me with apathetic eyes as I pulled the trigger, and then, he was staring at the ceiling, eyes glazed over. I leaned down and closed their lids before fleeing the scene, Misaki following me. I wondered to myself why she'd even come along on this errand when she didn't help me at all._

**

 

_"He really did it. He killed him. My brother's dead. He killed him before I even had a chance to rat his ass out to cops. Why did he do it?" Misaki screamed, more to herself then to me, her fingers trembling around the cool metal of the shotgun she held to her temple._

_"Misaki..." I tried to go to her, but the minute I moved towards her, the gun was aimed at me. "Misaki, don't do this. Please. Don't leave me here all alone. You're...you're my best friend."  
_

_"This is how it has to be. I can't live in this world knowing a monster like this man exists. I can't live in a world without my little brother." She forced the words out on the crest of a sob._

_"Please, tell me what you know. Tell me, so I can make him pay for what he's done to you, and to your brother."_

_"I'm not going to put you in danger like that Amaya. Stay safe, take care of yourself. I love you." Her lips twitched in some semblance of a smile as her fingers twitched around the trigger._

_"No," I whimpered, running towards her, just as the shotgun blast filled the room, reverberating in my ears for hours after, destined to remain in my memories as long as I lived._

 

******

"I don't want you to meet the same fate as Misaki's brother. He knows everything about you. I don't know if we can get far enough away to be safe from him. He has eyes and ears everywhere. I knew Juuzou shouldn't have brought you into our apartment...but at the same time I don't know if it would've mattered...he has ways of finding things out, even the things you try desperately to hide." 

Amaya and I were taking a short break from walking, crouched down in an alley, speaking in hushed whispers.

I stood up, dusting off my jeans.

"Amaya, I'm not leaving Tokyo. I have to find Juuzou. But I want you to run. As far as you can. I get the feeling that your boss is not someone who would let you just leave his... _business_. So you have to make yourself disappear.  Go by a different name, change your appearance. Get a real job. One that doesn't involve killing anyone."

I watched Amaya's face, seeing it droop in defeat. "You're...you're not coming with me?"

I shook my head sadly. "I'm sorry, Amaya. I can't. You'll be okay." I forced my lips to turn up into a smile when all I wanted was to cry endlessly.

"I hope we'll see each other again soon, Y/N-chan. And when you find Juuzou, tell him I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep my mouth shut like I said I would." She smiled ruefully before putting her arms around me, leaning her chin on the top of my head. I hugged her tightly before pulling away, watching her walk away from me, posture rigidly straight, head darting back and forth to look around the corners she passed. I hoped that sometime soon, she could find a place where she didn't have to fear every corner she passed.

 

******

Being locked in a cell wasn't something new for me. I was reliving my childhood. Except in this cell, I wasn't made to kill innocents for the amusement of bloodthirsty ghouls and rewarded based on the brutality of the slaughter. Here, I was chastised for the killing I had done under the command of the once faceless man whose name I now knew: Murata Jiro. The name I had yet to give them. I was drawing it out, toying with them. I'd promised to tell them what I knew, in exchange for being kept alive, but now I was tight lipped. I wanted to wait long enough that I could hope Y/N and Amaya had escaped. I didn't want them anywhere near Murata when he found out he'd been betrayed by one of his attack dogs. And he undoubtedly would find out. I had to bide my time.

When they got tired of me darting around their questions, they stopped coming to my cell. Not to question me, not to bring food, and not to let me out for exercise. I was trapped and alone for a solid five days, before a familiar face appeared in front of my cell, its green eyes radiating something close to pity.

"Juuzou, how did you end up here... how did you end up...like this?" Akira asked, her lips twitching into a slight frown.

As much as I wanted to talk to her, I simply stared at a patch of chipped paint on the wall behind her. She sighed, and pulled a key out of her pocket, unlocking the door to my cell, beckoning for me to follow her.

I did, the handcuffs rubbing away more of my skin with each step I took. She led me to a room furnished with a beat-up table, a chair sitting on either side of it.

"Sit," she gestured to one of the chairs, sitting down in the other.

But I preferred to stand, rocking back and forth from left to right. My entire life consisted of sitting now. I was going stir crazy, my mind wearing away a little bit more with each day I was confined. And it had only been six. What would I be like in a month? Two months?

"Juuzou." Akira sighed. "Just tell me the information you came here with. Clamming up isn't helping your case." She looked at me with disdain. No matter the human I used to be, I was a ghoul now, a member of the species that Akira despised. I couldn't expect her to be as kind to me as she used to be. 

"Why are you here, Akira?" I asked, instead of telling her what she wanted to hear.

"Well, I... I've been granted ownership of you. Special Class Marude gave it to me. So I'll be here a lot, until you earn your keep by providing us with the name of the ghoul you worked for, and those you worked with, or until you're scheduled for execution."  
  



	16. Interview

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mentions of canonistic child abuse, not graphic
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

****Two weeks later****

"Good morning, Sasaki-san." He smiled warmly at me and held the door to the apartment open for me. I stepped into the place I called home until recently.

"The others aren't here." He said shortly, noticing me looking around.

"Oh, I wasn't expecting them to be..."

"Are you ready to get going? Your interview is in thirty minutes." He asked, swinging his key ring around his pointer finger.

I nodded, and followed him out to the car. As we got in, we sat in silence. I waited for him to start the car, but he didn't.

Finally, he looked at me, really looked at me, for the first time, taking in the dark circles under my eyes that concealer couldn't hide, my skin sallow from staying up worrying late into each night until exhaustion forced me to close my eyes.

"Are you sure you want to go to this interview, Y/N-chan?"

"Yes. I need this job. I'm almost out of my savings. Living at a motel is killing my bank account." I laughed wryly as he put the key into the ignition, still not starting the car.

"I know you need a job, but does it have to be this one? It's the job no one wants. That's why I'm worried, because I'm sure you'll be hired and to be frank, I'm not sure you can handle it."

"I can handle it." I snapped, and finally he started the car.  
  
  


**  
  
  


Ten minutes later, we pulled to a stop in front the large, metallic building. Cochlea. The job no one wanted was working security at Cochlea. It was this, or sitting behind a desk answering calls all day. Those were my options.

Sasaki approached the desk. I trailed behind him, suddenly extremely nervous. This place was terrifying.

"Sasaki? What are you doing here?" A female voice came from behind us. Both of turned around.

"Oh, hey Akira. I'm taking Y/N for an interview here."

My gaze fixed on the blonde in front of us, her kind eyes were concentrated on my face, her expression unreadable.

"Y/N-chan?" She asked, stepping towards me.

"Akira?" My voice shook. I hadn't seen her since I lost my job, I didn't know what to expect, but I was afraid to see the same disappointment on her face that had been printed all across Sasaki's after what I'd done.

My body stiffened for a second as she put her arms around me, but I hugged her back, fighting the tears that threatened to fall.

"Y/N-chan, it's time for your interview." Sasaki said, interrupting our quiet embrace. I pulled away, surprised to see nothing but kindness reflected in her eyes. 

I wiped my eyes and smiled at her. "I hope to see you again soon. I hope you're well, Akira-san."

She nodded, a wistful smile on her lips.

"Good luck in there, Y/N-chan!" Sasaki called out as I followed the smartly dressed woman leading me into the interview room.  
  
  


******  
  
  


_The door to my cage rattled, heavy footsteps falling just outside of it as a key was inserted into the lock. "Wake up, Rei-chan._

_"You were slacking today, weren't you Rei-chan. I saw your hesitation as that bastard begged you for his life." Mama chuckled deeply._

_"I didn't! I didn't hesitate I swear, Mama!" Fear coursed through my veins, I knew what was coming. My failures, whether real or fabricated, were always punished harshly. I was slowly becoming accustomed to the pain she inflicted upon me, but my lack of response only made her try harder to hurt me._

_The floor shook as she stepped into the small cell, my prison, some tool or another clenched in her hand. I tried to move away but the shackles held my wrists too tightly and I fell. I couldn't escape, I couldn't even delay it. I don't know why I still tried. She was swinging the wrench towards me, I felt it connect with my cheekbone, splitting the skin and-_

"Juuzou! Juuzou, wake up." The gentle voice so unlike Mama's pulled me from my own personal hell. But when a hand touched my hair, I slapped it away and jerked my head back so fast it slammed against the wall. I opened my eyes, finally focusing on the person in front of me. It was Akira, a mixture of concern and fear written all over her face.

I touched the back of my head, expecting to feel a lump forming there, or maybe even blood, where I had hit it. But then I remembered that a blow of that sort wouldn't hurt me anymore. I was no longer trapped in my dream and I was no longer human.

"Juuzou, are you okay?" Akira squatted down next to me.

I nodded slowly, the edges of my vision fuzzy. I had to squint in order to see Akira and not the hulking figure from my past.

I tried to support myself into a sitting position, but was quickly reminded of the handcuffs. The skin they rested upon was worn away, the new skin growing beneath them was pink for now, soon to be rubbed away as well.

"Juuzou, I need to tell you something." Akira said urgently, and I blinked hard, bringing her green eyes into focus, if only for a second.

"Juuzou, Y/N is here. She got a security job here. I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I wanted you to know she's safe. You can tell us what you know. They're talking about setting an execution date for you, if you don't comply soon. Special Class Marude is starting to think you lied about even having the info."

"I-it's only been... how long has it been?" The fog was starting to clear from my tired brain, but I was losing a hold on the concept of time.

I was tired. So tired. Tired of being locked up like an animal, tired of dreaming of Mama every night, and tired of spending my waking hours frantically worrying about Y/N. Living like this, was not living. It was surviving, and I was beginning to lose the will to do even that. I had begun to pity the ghouls that were sentenced to remain at Cochlea for life. Things were starting to look less black and white to me now, the last traces of who I had been when I was an investigator wearing away.

"Juuzou. Please. Tell me. Tell me the name of the ghoul you worked for. You know that Y/N is safe, so whats holding you back now?"

"What's the point? If I tell you, I'll still be stuck in here. If I don't tell you, I'll die. I don't see much of a difference."

"Juuzou. I'm working on something. A way for you to get out of here... you wouldn't be entirely free, but you wouldn't be locked up like this. Marude and I have been talking. I wasn't supposed to tell you. But I don't want you to give up. Y/N is here. I'm going to tell her that you're here, too. Maybe seeing her is what you need." With that as a parting gift, she slipped out of my cell, locking it behind her.

I slumped against the wall. For the first time since I'd been in Cochlea, I felt slightly hopeful. It could still be too good to be true, but it seemed as if...I had a friend in this forsaken place.


	17. Cochlea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

I now understood why no one wanted this job, and why those who worked it ended up quitting with only a few months under their belts.

Working at Cochlea was a job that had the potential to change someone, and not necessarily for the better. 

So much suffering happened here. And we were privy to it all.

My days consisted of checking in visitors at the front desk, taking a break every thirty minutes to do a round of the floors I was assigned to, and make sure nothing was amiss.

I patrolled the first floor, where lower rated ghouls were kept, every hour on the hour, and the second floor, where S rated ghouls were kept, every thirty minutes.

I had expected the first floor to be an easy patrol. Lower rated ghouls should be no big deal, right?

I was wrong. The cries coming from the cells, the voices of the ghouls who had been there much too long, begging to be released, it was enough to crack the resilient front that anyone put up.

And then there were the occasional sexual comments, growled out from the darkened corners of cells, telling me how _pretty_ I looked, how _good_ I smelled, how they wanted to sink their teeth into me. 

The second floor was a piece of cake compared to the first. Ghouls on the second floor seemed more resigned to their fates. I heard the occasional sob, or whisper for me to come closer to their cells, but as the days passed, I was able to steel myself against the voices, to keep walking as if I'd heard nothing.

But if the sounds didn't set ones nerves on edge, the smell surely would. The stench of mildew and decay, of long-uncleaned bathrooms and the faint smell of iron clinging to everything. This was not a place where any type of life could thrive, ghoul nor human.

 I adjusted quickly to the conditions, but it was the suffering of others that got under my skin. I forced myself to push through, although my first instinct was to run. I needed this job. After two days of work, the muffled tears on my lunch breaks ceased. After a week, the pit of anxiety in my stomach had lessened.

 

******

 

I was on my lunch break, on the first day of my third week of work, when my phone chimed and I quickly silenced it, the electronic ding was deafening in the empty break room, and looked at the message.

_Message from: Akira (14:47)_

_Y/N, I have something important I need to discuss with you. Can I call you sometime soon?_

_Reply to: Akira (14:48)_

_I'm about to head back to work after my break. I'll call you after work. I'm off at 19:00._

_Message from: Akira (14:50)_

_Okay._

 

I hustled back to my post at the front desk, with only three minutes to spare before I had to go on another round.

I noticed that Nitori, the man that was scheduled to work this shift with me, was missing from the front desk.

_He was here when I left, where could he have gone off to?_

Just then a hand clapped onto my shoulder and I whirled around to look into the dark eyes of the shift leader. 

"Y/N-chan, Nitori-kun went home with a migraine. I know you're assigned to the first and second floors, but I'm going to need you to monitor the third floor as well until Yuu-chan gets here to cover Nitori's duties." He gave me a hesitant smile. "Think you can do it?"

I bristled at his off-hand attitude. "Yes, sir. I'll be off to patrol the third now."

"Cool," he leaned back in his chair. "I'll watch the desk until you get here, but visiting hours end in thirty minutes so I shouldn't have much to worry about." He pulled out his phone and his thumbs flashed quickly over the screen. I knew he was no longer paying attention to me.

I adjusted the collar of my security uniform as I stepped into the musty elevator, the air so thick and hot it was difficult for me to get a deep breath.

The elevator creaked dutifully as it let me off on the third floor, doors closing slowly behind me.

The third floor seemed to smell worse than the others, and the air was warmer, much like the suffocating air in the elevator.

A bead of sweat found its way out from under my cap, rolling down my cheek slowly before I swiped it away.

This floor was eerily quiet, the silence only punctuated by a loud breath or shuffling of feet every so often. I peered into each cell, as I was trained to do, keeping a safe distance, but assuring that each prisoner was alive. Occasionally I had to bang on a cell door, waking up the irritated ghouls inside so I could be sure their hearts were still beating.

I approached the last cell, ready to turn around and make my way back to the elevator. But the strange, slumping position of the ghoul in this cell made me stop.

Their body was against the wall, head hanging down, dark hair falling over their face. In the shadows, I couldn't make out whether or not there was a rise and fall of their bony chest.

I stepped closer, tapping my hand gently against the padlock of the cell, my heart missing a beat when the ghoul didn't wake up.

 _Please don't be dead,_ I thought to myself, taking my flashlight off my belt and rapping it against the metal bars. The body moved only slightly, and I let out the breath I'd been holding.

The ghoul's breath was shaky, and I found myself unable to turn on my heel and walk away. I stared through the bars as the ghoul leaned his head back against the wall, their breathing quick as if they were frightened.

I flipped the switch on my flashlight, and the artificial stream of light poured into the room full of shadows. With the light came clarity, an explanation for why I felt so compelled to sit and watch this ghoul, an answer in the form of large red eyes and pale skin, of tangled black hair with overgrown white roots.

His eyes were cloudy, but their gaze met mine. 

"Juuzou?" 

A small smile turned up the corners of his lips.

"Y/N-chan... Akira told me you were here, but I didn't believe her. I didn't understand...if you were here for so long...why you didn't come see me?"

"Juuzou...I've only been working here for two weeks."

"No, no... Akira told me that.... I think it was months ago." 

His voice was low, nothing like what I was used to hearing from him. I decided not to argue with him, though I knew that I was right. That hardly mattered right now, nothing mattered but getting him out of here. In only a month he had become so weak, so mentally scattered. He was proof of everything I had come to believe about this place. That ghouls and humans alike, prisoners or employees, came here and walked out missing something of themselves.

******

"Akira, why didn't you tell me that Juuzou was in Cochlea?" I noticed how loud my voice was and made a mental note to restrain myself.

She sighed loudly. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I didn't think you'd ever see him since you were assigned to floors one and two. And I didn't want to tell you until I had worked out all the kinks in my plan."

My grip on my phone tightened. "What plan?"

"Considering the circumstances, with Juuzou being a former investigator, but at the same time being a ghoul with very valuable information, Special Class Marude and I have been formulating a plan to get him out of Cochlea and back into the CCG. He's running the plan past Chairman Washuu today. I can't say anything else until it's approved."

It was my turn to sigh, one of relief. "Do you think it's going to work?"

"It's 50/50 right now. As soon as I hear something, I'll let you know. He can't stay in there, Y/N." Her voice was quiet.

"I know. I know. He's... losing pieces of himself... and he's already lost so much." My voice had lulled to a whisper that I knew Akira wouldn't be able to hear over the sound of traffic on her end of the line.  
  


"What, Y/N?"

"Nothing. Call me back as soon as you know something, please,  Akira-san."  
  


"I will."

I hung up the phone, starig at the empty walls of my motel room, knowing tonight would be another where my mind went in circles of worry, denying me the escape of sleep.


	18. Stitches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

****Two weeks later****

 

I looked down at the papers I held in my hand, the long, numbered list daunting even to me. I peered up at Juuzou, who was shifting nervously on his feet in front of me.

"This is...a lot of rules."

He nodded.

"Are you sure...are you sure you can follow all these rules?" I stifled a laugh.

He blinked at me. "I don't have a choice," he said sourly before taking the papers from my hand and setting them on the desk behind him, as if placing them out of his line of sight made them disappear.

I looked up at him, placing a hand across my lips to hide the smile forming there. Juuzou had been out of Cochlea for ten days, and he already looked so much better.

His hair was trimmed back to its normal length, and the white roots were long gone. His skin was still slightly sallow from lack of nutrients and sun during his month-long stint at Cochlea, but his eyes were clear and he'd put back on some of the weight he'd lost due to their starvation tactics.

"Are you ready for tomorrow, Juuzou?" My voice was quiet, and I tore an unruly cuticle off one of my nails. I knew he would answer with forced confidence, stubbornly acting as if everything was alright, as if his mental and physical health weren't still suffering. But I watched him. And I woke up to him crying multiple times a night, stroking his hair and coaxing him back to sleep while he denied that he'd even had a nightmare. I watched him struggle through each day and I knew that he wasn't ready to go into the field.

"I'm ready," he said, the smile lingering on his lips a ghost of the one I was used to.

I shook my head slightly. "Okay. I'll be thinking about you all day."

I stretched my hand out to him, and he took it, sitting down next to me on the bed.

I saw him reach his other hand to the skin near his collarbones, fingers habitually looking for the threads that were no longer there.

I reached out and caught that hand too, feeling his fingers twitch nervously in my grasp.

"I wish that you were going to be there tomorrow. I saw you fight that one time...you're good." He murmured.

"I _was_ good. I haven't fought in months. I barely remember how to use my kagune, and a quinque? Forget it." I scoffed, leaning my head on his shoulder.

"That reminds me, I have something for you." I reached over to the bedside table and pulled out the spool of thread and sanitized needle that sat inside it.

"But I can't use regular needles..."

"It's not a regular needle. Akira got it for me. She mentioned something about Dr. Chigyou. I think he made it for her. I figured you must be feeling pretty weird without your stitches."

Juuzou nodded, grasping the package tightly in his hand. "I do. I do feel weird." The crack in his voice suggested he was referring to more than just his body mod of choice.

"We should go to bed soon. It's an early morning for both of us."

"I'm gonna stay up a little while longer." He gestured to the needle and thread, a small but genuine smile on his lips.

"Okay, then I'll sit up with you." I smiled and propped myself against the wall, content to watch as he stitched himself, the familiar action seeming to calm him down. The nervous tics he had developed while in Cochlea were quiet, if only in this instant, his tongue poked between his lips as he concentrated.  
  
  
  


******   
  
  


I woke up with a rush of misplaced adrenaline the next morning. I was more nervous about Juuzou going into the field today than I'd ever been when I was an investigator.

I tried to quiet my ragged breathing before Juuzou woke up, but I had no such luck. He rolled over to face me, eyes still slightly closedl, protecting themselves from the morning light.

"What's wrong, Y/N-chan?"

"Nothing. I'm... I just had a bad dream. I'm alright now," I lied, I hoping my anxiety wasn't contagious. I wanted Juuzou to be as calm as possible before heading out this morning.

"Okay," he murmured, moving closer to me and resting his head full of tousled hair on my shoulder.

"It is time to wake up, though." I whispered, sitting up. "You have an hour to get ready. There's some food for you in the fridge. I picked it up yesterday."

He dragged himself out of bed, retreating to the other side of the room to have his breakfast. I laid in bed a minute longer, picking my phone up off the nightstand to quickly send a text to Akira.

_Message to: Akira (8:05)_

_Good morning Akira-san. Please watch out for Juuzou today and stay safe yourself, too._

I had just set my phone back down when it vibrated with a new message.

_Message from: Akira (8:06)_

_Juuzou will be fine. Thank you, Y/N._

**  
  
  


"Are you ready, Juuzou?" I was lacing up my work boots as Juuzou was buttoning up the last button on his black shirt.

"Yeah, I'm ready."

"Lets walk together, then. Headquarters is on the way to Cochlea, so it works."

**  
  
  


"Please be careful today, Juuzou. Even if you don't take him down, as long as you're safe... that's okay. I'd rather you live than he dies." I squeezed his hand tightly and he pulled me into a sudden, and very tight, hug.

"I love you, Juuzou."

"I love you too, Y/N-chan." He kissed my cheek, and let out fingertips linger together as our hands dropped apart, as if he didn't want to let go. Truth be told, the last thing I wanted to do was let go.


	19. Murata

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly so writers blocked on this story.
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

A sense of calm settled over me, out of place amongst the frenetic energy around me. I was going to fight, just as I had hundreds upon hundreds of times.

The only difference was that now I was a ghoul, just like those that I was sent to kill. It evened the playing field. My fighting skills were never lacking when I was a human, but just like any other human, I was easy to break. I may not have felt much, but my human body was like paper and tape compared to my body now. 

_Murata Jiro is going to die. And I'm going to be the one that kills him._

I looked around at the sea of gray and black kagune-proof vests, of nervous faces. The only calm face was the one next to me. Akira.

She had clapped me on the shoulder upon seeing me, wishing me good luck. I wished her the same. 

They were right to be nervous. Just because we were determined that this operation was going to go as we planned it...didn't necessarily mean that lives wouldn't be lost.

 We filed into the vans, watching the CCG building get smaller and smaller through the back window.

**

"This is where he stays?" Marude asked me suspiciously, his eyes narrowing at me.

"Yes, sir." I stared back at him until he looked away uneasily.

"Your informant, are they on the premises?"

"She shouldn't be. I told her what time we were coming."

"If she was stupid enough not to leave the area, we can't guarantee her safety."

I bit back the flurry of rude remarks that wanted to force themselves from my lips, instead nodding silently.

I couldn't really blame him for being so dubious that this upscale, two story house with stained glass windows and a perfectly manicured lawn was the current home of the ghoul responsible for hundreds of deaths every month.

But I knew how Murata liked to live, and this house made perfect sense to me. He would never lower himself to staying in a motel, or renting a shabby apartment.

I stared out the window of the stuffy van while Akira and some of the other investigators looked over Murata's paperwork for what feels like the tenth time that day. 

Akira passed me a copy and I pretended to scan it, though I knew it by heart. After all, I'd given them most of the information.

_Name: Murata Jiro (Ghoul, possible Kakuja)_

_Age: Unknown, possibly late 30's_

_Height: Approx. 6'_

_Weight: Unknown, heavy build_

_Blood type: Unknown_

_Kagune type: Unknown_

_Rating: Unknown_

_The CCG has pinpointed Murata as the perpetrator of at least 50% of the murders that have happened over the last two years, both of humans and ghouls. He himself does not commit the murders, he hires others to do so for him. Our operation will be solely based on the extermination or capture of Murata, not of his subordinates. We believe him to be loosely affiliated with the auction scene, as well as the gourmet scene._

 

"This barely has anything to go off of. How are we supposed to know him when we see him?" The investigator seated next to me complained.

I ignored him.

"Suzuya-kun will give us the okay when he sees him. We will not commence until it has been confirmed that it is in fact Murata." Akira responded calmly.

"I'm assuming everyone remembers the plan, but I'm going to go through it once more, just in case. The only investigators going inside the house are Suzuya and Mado. The rest of you, surround the house. Make sure he can't get away. Do not enter unless Suzuya or Mado calls for backup. Mado, remember, try not to be seen."

"Yes sir!" The other investigators responded to Marude as a unit.

I slipped the earpiece into my ear, making sure it was hidden by my hair, and got out of the van first, followed closely by Akira and the others.

I fiddled with the door handle, hoping it would be unlocked, as our team arranged themselves around the house, surrounding it completely, guns trained on the upstairs windows as well. Murata had no chance of escape.

The door wasn't unlocked. I breathed in deeply and rang the doorbell, not expecting it to be answered. Only silence radiated from inside the house.

I held onto the wall to balance myself before kicking the door, hard. It only took three good kicks for the wood to splinter and collapse, and I reached my hand through the hole I created and turned the lock. 

And I was in.

**

The inside of the house was reminiscent of the apartment I once shared with Amaya and Murata. Unfurnished, save for a raised dining table and stools, and a large refrigerator.

For a split second, panic shot through my veins like electricity. In my plainclothes, and without Jason, I felt  obscenely unprepared.

And then, after a few deep breaths, I was calm again.

_There's a reason for this. If I showed up in a CCG vest, he would know immediately that something was up,_ I reminded myself.

_He'll know something's up just by me showing up here in the first place, but it's less obvious this way._

**

I headed up stairs, after making sure the first floor was empty. All the doors on the second floor were open besides one, all the way at the end of the hall.

"I'm on the second floor. Going to the door of what I think is his room," I whispered just loud enough so the earpiece would pick it up.

"Copy that." Akira's voice buzzed in my ear. "Stay safe, Juuzou." She added.

The door to the room was unlocked, and I pushed it open. Murata sat in a chair in the far corner of the room, legs crossed as casually as if he'd been awaiting a friend's visit.

"Suzuya." He said, and his eyes flicked to the opposite side of the room. I followed his gaze, my own landing on a body slumped in the corner, wrists tied behind them, long black hair completely hiding their face. I didn't need to see the face to know who it was. Amaya.

"Sorry about your friend, Suzuya. I'm not sure she'll wake up. But then again, this whole thing is her fault. She deserved what I did to her." He laughed callously, sending a shiver up my spine. 

Before I knew it, my kagune was ripping through my clothes, illuminating the dim room. Beneath its light, I saw Amaya stir.

Murata's kagune made an appearance less than thirty seconds after mine did. Three deep purple tails burst from his lower back, and a mask of the same color extended from his hairline and down over his face, solidifying into a material reminiscent of steel.

"Kakuja." I muttered, more to myself than anything, but Marude's acknowledgement of my words came through the earpiece.

I saw Amaya stir again, and so did Murata. He aimed a swift kick in her direction, the toe of his boot connecting with her rib cage. She didn't make a sound, but she didn't move again either.

And then he came towards me, his kagune slithering around from behind his back and pointing at me like spears. He had the upper hand physically, towering over me, but I was faster.

Just as his kagune came closer to me, I darted away, my own hardening before raining down shards over him. They cut into his skin, but the wounds were shallow, and I watched as they closed up almost instantly. All my attack did was make him angry, and his rinkaku whipped around me, leaving gashes on my arms and back.

I felt the blood seeping through my shirt, and I knew the cuts were deep. I ran at him, my fiery wings slicing through his flesh, and this time, the blood poured out, and he grunted in pain.

He snarled and grabbed the front of my shirt, the fabric stretching as he lifted me off my feet. And then I felt a burning warmth on my abdomen, heard the sound of flesh tearing as he slammed his kagune through my stomach.

And then, as suddenly as he had picked me up, he dropped me to the ground,  his eyes fixing on something behind me.

I had to summon all of my strength to stand up, pressing a hand over the hole in my stomach. The blood was pouring out faster than I could staunch the flow, from both the front and the back of my abdomen.

I turned around, only to see Akira, quinque in hand, Murata's kagune wrapped around one of her legs. He pulled, and she slid roughly across the floor towards him, where he planted his foot on her chest.

"Who's this, Suzuya? Another one of your friends?"


End file.
